Dinner with a View

There’s no shortage of oceanfront dining in San Diego, but a Valentine’s meal deserves an extra-special setting. For a classic La Jolla sunset, head to George’s at the Cove. Prefer a hip rooftop vibe with Italian fare and Aperol spritzes? Garibaldi is your spot. And for a unique experience, book a table at Tom Ham’s Lighthouse for waterfront dining with a touch of novelty.

Balboa Park

Balboa Park is chock-full of date possibilities, thanks to its wide variety of museums, gardens, and dining options. Learn something new together at the Nat, take a romantic stroll through the Japanese Friendship Garden, or simply lay out a picnic on one of the park’s relaxing grassy knolls.

May 13, 2024

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South Bay Drive-In

All those teens in the 1950s can’t have been wrong: There’s something quite intimate about a drive-in movie theater. South Bay Drive-In shows up to six flicks on three screens, seven days a week. Cuddling up in the comfort of your own car while watching a story unfold is a classic date activity that has stood the test of time.  

Belmont Park

Up the adrenaline next date night with a trip to Belmont Park. The iconic Mission Beach amusement park is packed with heart-pounding thrill rides (which science says can turn up the heat in your relationship), plus fair games where you can charm your cutie by winning them a prize.

Get Artsy Together

This Valentine’s Day, channel your inner Patrick Swayze and create something meaningful (and messy) with your partner. Instead of the predictable paint-and-sip classes, opt for a hands-on pottery class at Pinch Pottery Studio downtown. This special Valentine’s Day class is $150 and will leave you each with a handmade piece to cherish as a keepsake.

Wine & Dine

Nothing says romance like a good wine and charcuterie pairing. The Rose in South Park is an adorable spot for sipping cabernet while nibbling on meats, cheeses, and breads from Secret Sister Bakery. Afterward, stroll through the charming streets of South Park for a perfect end to the evening. Want more wine bar inspiration? We’ve got you covered here.

September 4, 2024

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Torrey Pines State Natural Reserve

Are you and your honey outdoorsy? Then Torrey Pines State Natural Reserve may be right up your alley. The expansive reserve offers breathtaking environs, multiple trails to explore, and access to Torrey Pines State Beach.

Farmers Market

You can find an abundance of farmers markets across the city almost any day of the week. They’re a great place to wander hand-and-hand, scoping local produce and buying ingredients to make a fun, fresh lunch together after. 

Liberty Station

Whether it’s a first date or your weekly couples night, the romantic outing options at Liberty Station are endless. You can enjoy a luxury cinema experience at The Lot or have a friendly mini golf competition at Tapper Mini Golf. Round out the evening with dinner at Liberty Public Market.

Indulge in a Spa Day

Treat yourselves this Valentine’s Day with a couples massage at one of San Diego’s most luxurious spas. The Spa at Fairmont Grand Del Mar offers a decadent Restorative Couples Massage for $930, complete with a mineral-rich bath, moisture wrap, and foot massage. Your skin—and your special someone—will thank you.

Take the Leap

Besides marriage, paragliding might just be the ultimate declaration of love. Soar side-by-side from the Torrey Pines Gliderport, where professional instructors will guide you on a tandem flight over La Jolla’s stunning coastline. It’s the perfect mix of adrenaline and awe for you and your adrenaline-seeking partner. Flights start at $200—commitment optional.

Coin Haus

If your date night takes you to East County, pop by Coin Haus in La Mesa. The arcade bar features self-serve taps and retro games, making it perfect for a cool and nostalgic outing. You can also team up with your main squeeze or double-date with friends at Coin Haus’ weekly trivia night.

Rooftop Cinema Club

A trip to the movies is a quintessential date night activity. Take it to the next level with Rooftop Cinema Club, an open-air experience at the Manchester Grand Hyatt featuring new flicks and older classics. The city views, theater snacks, and personal headphones offer a more immersive viewing opportunity.

Have a Bougie Picnic

Elevate your picnic game with a touch of luxury. If your charcuterie skills are a little lackluster, let the pros at San Diego Picnics handle it. They’ll craft an Insta-worthy glamp for you and your boo in picturesque spots like Sunset Cliffs, Mission Bay, or Kate Sessions Park. Ready to take things to the next level? Opt for their proposal package and pop the question.

Kayaking in La Jolla 

If you really want to bond with your boo, try something adventurous that requires a little teamwork. Kayaking around the waters of La Jolla really fits that bill—plus, you’re likely to catch amazing views of sea lions and tiger sharks.

Sip and Stroll at a Winery

Skip the grocery store wine and taste varietals fresh from the vine. Bernardo Winery’s Valentine’s Day festivities, running February 12–16, feature live music, themed cuisine, and specialty drinks. Reserve a tasting or tour the 136-year-old vineyard for a date steeped in history—and wine.

Punch Bowl Social 

Gaslamp Quarter hotspot Punch Bowl Social is a great place to bring a date, as endless opportunities for fun are right at your fingertips. Cap off ten frames of bowling at Punch Bowl with a menu full of late-night bites, comfort food, and cocktails.

San Diego Zoo

At the San Diego Zoo, you and your date can spend hours peering at elephants, orangutans, and other fascinating creatures. For a new fling, it offers plenty of time to chat and get to know each other. For those in an established relationship, it’s a great place to spend quality time together and have some wholesome fun. 

The Pearl Hotel 

Let me grab my swimsuit probably isn’t the first thing that comes to mind when you think “movie night”—unless, of course, you’re headed to The Pearl Hotel. The Point Loma lodging’s Wednesday Dive-In movie nights in the pool often include cult classics, as well as the opportunity to dine at the onsite restaurant.

Eco Boat Rentals

Tired of meeting for drinks? Try something new: Eco Boat Rentals in Point Loma offers great day and evening boating opportunities. I personally enjoyed taking their pedal boat for a ride during the afternoon, laughing along with my husband as we tried to keep our pedaling in sync. You can also check out their nighttime “glow ride” option to take in the lights of San Diego’s skyline from the water.

The post 20 Fun Valentine’s Day Ideas in San Diego appeared first on San Diego Magazine.

My insomnia began sometime after college and, over the years, has gone from being an annoying once-in-a-while occurrence to a beast I wrestle with every night. I’ve tried all the sleep hacks in the book—whatever you’re thinking, I’ve done it. 

Part of what keeps me up is my anxious mind full of “what ifs”—overthinking every interaction I’ve had since I could form a sentence. With anxiety also comes the need to control all the variables around me to ensure that none of my worries come true. Fear is in the unknown. 

Recently, a friend shared with me an article on New York Times best-selling author and motivational speaker Mel Robbins’ “let them theory.” Robbins argues that when you let people be themselves and stop trying to control them, you can learn how to stop giving your power to their opinions and behaviors. This, in turn, lessens the energy you expend on trying to make others do, say, act, or behave in the ways that you want them to—and thus minimizes your anxiety.

Basically, don’t stress about what you can’t control; focus on what you can. A mantra of radical acceptance. On a recent episode of motivational speaker Jay Shetty’s podcast, Robbins dug into the theory more deeply.

August 23, 2024

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“The single biggest benefit [of this theory] is that you get time and energy back,” she tells Shetty. “Once you start noticing all of these little moments all day long, it’s like a death by a thousand cuts. You want to know why you’re too tired, you want to know why you’re overwhelmed, you want to know why you’re stressed out, you want to know why you have no time for yourself—it’s because of the power you give to other people’s opinions, their emotions, their immature behavior.”

It felt like Robbins was talking directly to me, calling me out. This is where I’ve struggled in romantic relationships. I’ve learned that I have an anxious attachment style that stems from my childhood. This is characterized by a strong need for close relationships alongside a fear of rejection and abandonment. When these concerns are triggered, I feel an increased need for reassurance and validation from my partner, leading me to become overly preoccupied with my partner’s feelings. 

The first step is acknowledgment, right? I’m working on it.

“Every human being has a hardwired need to be in control of everything because being in control is what makes you feel safe,” Robbins says. “If you focus and try to manage things that are never going to be within your control, it only creates stress, anxiety, and frustration for you.”

As I listened, I thought of a situation I’d experienced with someone I was once dating. He’d told me he’d be going home for a week to deal with a personal family issue. But once he was gone, I found out he was actually away on a snowboarding trip with friends. He had lied.

My immediate reaction was hurt and confusion, followed by anger—I wanted to text him a paragraph (you know the one). I let it consume my thoughts for days, ultimately draining my energy and keeping me in a state of high anxiety. 

If I followed Robbins’ advice back then, it could have saved me from spiraling and maybe allowed me to sleep each night. “Let them.” Let him. He was showing me who he was and who he’d be in my life if we continued dating.

“Their behavior is telling you the truth,” Robbins says. “Their behavior is telling you what they care about and what their priorities are. If their behavior is telling you that your needs are not a priority, you have to let them reveal that. Because then you’re going to come back to the second part, which is [asking yourself], ‘Is this kind of behavior from somebody what I deserve? Is this what I’m willing to accept in somebody?’”

Of course, applying the theory doesn’t end there. Next, you have to take it upon yourself to explain to your potential or current partner what you need and the reason why it is important to you.

“If you’re in a committed, loving partnership and you’re with somebody who wants to do better and cares about you, it taps into their intrinsic motivation to build new skills,” Robbins says. “If you have that kind of conversation with somebody and you explain how their behavior impacts you—whether it’s their drinking or it’s their tone of voice or it’s the fact that they leave their stuff everywhere […]—you take responsibility.”

Now, you’ve let them be who they are; minimized your anxiety, worry, and need for control; and allowed them to show you if they are willing to respond in an emotionally mature way that prioritizes the relationship you’re building. If not, you have an answer and a decision to make without having to force them to be someone they aren’t ready or willing to be.

May 31, 2024

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And the theory isn’t only useful for people in established or official relationships. Applying it can also help you figure out more quickly if someone you’ve gone out with a few times has the potential to be a meaningful match.

“When you are in the stages of early relationship development, there can be a lot of misunderstandings and miscommunication,” Dr. Tara Suwinyattichaiporn, a tenured professor of sexual and relational communication at Cal State Fullerton, tells Refinery29. “People bring their past experiences, perceptions, and baggage into new relationships, making it difficult to predict their actions accurately. The ‘let them’ mindset works because it allows individuals to ease up on the control factor, navigate these uncertainties more gracefully, and focus on what is flourishing in their own life. When it’s not a compatible match, there is no need to waste time. If they treat you poorly, there is no need to try to justify their behaviors.” 

Let them. People will only change when they want to. He hasn’t texted you all day after saying he would? Let him. She continues to ignore your need for quality time and rarely makes an effort to spend time with you? Let her. Then, act.

When someone shows you who they are, believe them. The more control we give up while trying to find the person we can build a life with, the less stress and anxiety we’ll have while dating. To be honest, this is not something I’ve done in my past—or something that is going to be easy for me to do in any situation in the future.

It’ll require work and self-awareness. Maybe if it’s out there in the world, maybe if I tell you, readers, then it’ll actually happen. (Accountability!) Because the quicker we are to let people reveal themselves, the quicker we can discern whether they’re right for us. 

If you’re new to Unhinged, catch up on all the dating chats you’ve missed here and follow along at @monicles and @sandiegomag on Instagram to know when a new article drops each week.

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The post Unhinged, A Dating Series: The Let Them Theory appeared first on San Diego Magazine.

Of course, we all start somewhere. In a society where heterosexuality is presumed and expected, it can be hard for us to admit to ourselves, much less others, that we have the hots for someone of the same gender. And with so few scripts for healthy queer relationships, some of the difficulty of gay dating is figuring out what an ideal partnership looks like for you. Exploring your sexuality is part of that process, but it can be difficult to know how to dip your toe in. 

There are few guides to starting the process of exploring. Google terms related to the topic—“dating women for the first time” or “how to figure out if I’m a lesbian”—bring up Reddit threads and decade-old articles (thank God we’ve mostly left the term “bicurious” in 2014). 

For Rachel, it comes down to communication. “Be upfront,” she adds. “Say, ‘I’m not sure what this is going to mean to me or how I’m going to feel about it. Is that okay with you?’ I wouldn’t be as hurt afterwards, because I would be given the chance to ask myself, ‘Is this okay for me?’ Don’t make all the decisions for both of us.”

August 9, 2024

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Many dating apps allow you to list your sexual orientation on your profile, and often there are options like “Questioning” on popular apps like Bumble, Tinder, and Hinge and dedicated LGBTQ apps like Her. The app Feeld—once a non-monogamy-focused site that, according to The New York Times, has expanded without losing its polestar of communication and exploration—has more than 20 choices for orientation and a space to declare exactly what you’re seeking (which could be as simple as “texting”). Utilizing those labels can create a more natural opening for conversations about your experience and level of comfort. 

And, as with any potential partner, it’s worth having the “What are you looking for?” conversation early on—even before the first meet-up. Maybe you’re seeking an experimental hookup, or perhaps you want a relationship but are trying to learn if you could build one with someone who shares your gender identity. Maybe you’re certain you like girls, but you haven’t dated one before and you’re nervous. Being honest about that right away will help you and your date decide if your needs and desires align.

Once you schedule a meet-up, “treat it like any other date,” my friend Alison*, who identifies as bisexual, advises. “Don’t overthink it.” If you’ve dated men in the past, you probably went into each date wondering, “Do I like this particular guy?” Approach your dates with women the same way, and spend some time ahead of the meet-up thinking about what you want in a partner of any gender, from shared values to a shared love of birdwatching. (After all, even the most seasoned lesbian isn’t attracted to every single girl.)

But remember—it’s still a date. “Women come into dates like, ‘Hey, girl!’” Rachel points out. “They’re probably nervous, but I do want to feel like we’re more than friends hanging out.” Once you’ve communicated where you’re at, take the space to flirt, have fun, and figure out how that makes you feel.

And as things wrap up, “don’t be weird about the bill,” Alison says. Suggest going Dutch, or arrive prepared to pay—but don’t be afraid to accept if your date offers to pick up the check.

If things progress to the next level physically, frontloading all that communication will create space for you to set boundaries and ask for guidance. “It’s exciting to be the person who gets to show someone what that’s like,” Rachel says.

Throughout it all, it’s important to check in with yourself and continue being straightforward (no pun intended) with anyone you’re seeing. “You might have sex with a woman and not like it,” Rachel points out, or simply be lacking chemistry with that particular person (just like with heterosexual dating). 

That wasn’t quite the case with my friend Romi*. A threesome with a heterosexual couple—one that was focused on the woman in the pair—“confirmed that I am definitely attracted to women,” she says. “But there is an aspect to the physical experience that, while fun and comfortable, was not satisfying or something I craved.”

August 30, 2024

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A while later, a hangout with a friend of a friend led to a hookup. “It was beautiful, and she did ask me to hang out again,” Romi recalls. “I remember telling her I’d like to be just friends. I’m not 100 percent sure why—it just felt how all my other one-night stands with men felt: fun and of the moment. I remember meeting my now-husband around the same time and just feeling like we fit.”

But for North County local Natalie*, who identifies as a lesbian, kissing a woman for the first time “was like, ‘Yes—this is what it’s supposed to feel like.’” 

Natalie dated men throughout high school and college but “had that nagging ‘oh, ****’ feeling since probably seventh grade,” she says. “I definitely had crushes.” After moving to a new city just over a decade ago, she set her orientation to “bisexual” on dating apps and started going out with girls.

“I definitely had a couple awkward, uncomfortable experiences at first,” she remembers. “I wanted a more romantic experience”—which she found on her first date with her now-wife.

“It was very clear that she was interested in me,” she says. “I felt instantly at ease and very seen, but also terrified. There was that romantic charge of, ‘Oh my God, I want to know everything about this person.’ In my experience dating men, it always felt like this friendship I was very happy about, but the physical intimacy never felt very satisfying. [With my now-wife,] there was the anticipation of the satisfaction I was hoping to get. That desire was so huge in my psyche.”

Regardless of the outcome of your first dates with women, consider each one an opportunity to learn about yourself and what you’re seeking. “Go into it open-minded,” Alison adds. “And be excited for yourself.” After all, love could be waiting for you—or simply a deeper understanding of who you are. Both are worth taking the leap for.

*Not their real names.

If you’re new to Unhinged, catch up on all the dating chats you’ve missed here and follow along at @monicles and @sandiegomag on Instagram to know when a new article drops each week.

The post Unhinged, A Dating Series: How to Experiment with Dating Women appeared first on San Diego Magazine.

It’s been a wild ride. For the last 10 months, I’ve dished on my weekly dates; talked with locals about their experiences; and chatted with therapists, relationship coaches, and love gurus to help me answer all my lingering dating questions. All the while, I’ve made some new friends, reconnected with old acquaintances, and, of course, met my partner.

These are some of my favorite articles, topics, and interviews of the series so far. If you missed any, now’s the time to catch up!

Seeking Answers

It all started here, with one late-night writing sesh, a few back-and-forths with my editors, and a Valentine’s Day launch. Unhinged, A Dating Series officially became a column after a year of discussions and plenty of anxiety. I remember wondering if anyone would care or relate. 

Hitting publish was exciting and scary as hell. I knew I wanted this column to be a place for people looking for love to feel less alone. When we posted that first piece on Instagram, it garnered 2,367 likes, 233 comments, and 950 shares, reaching more than 98,700 Instagram users. It hit.

Our Unhinged community soon grew from there. The DMs, emails, and texts came flowing in, and it was clear that we all felt burnt out with the current landscape of dating in San Diego and needed answers.

It’s Me, Hi, I’m the Problem

It wasn’t long after that first piece that I realized before I could truly dig into the state of dating SD, I’d have to turn the mirror back around to myself. This was the moment I knew that the column would require me to be incredibly vulnerable in sharing my own stories—and willing to call myself out in a real and honest way. 

This piece helped me realize that, prior to this year, I had been a part of the problem that many singles face when dating: I wasn’t fully ready to commit to someone. While swiping, grabbing drinks with potential matches, and swapping numbers at bars, I hadn’t taken the time to fully heal from my past relationship and likely let a few good men slip through my fingers. 

If this resonates with you, this piece may be for you. 

Ask Me Anything

At some point, my girlfriends and I noticed something about the men we were going out with:  They just weren’t asking us enough questions. It made me wonder whether this was a new phenomenon in the modern age or whether their gender was just wired differently. Hint: It’s a little bit of both. 

Of course, there are men out there who are actively engaging in conversations during dates—this post isn’t for them. However, “research shows that this lack-of-men-asking-questions problem is real, and it’s common, and frankly, it’s embarrassing for them!” wrote author Sophia Benoit in her column for Bustle.

Need more proof that the phenomenon is real? This piece was one of the most-read of the year.

It’s Not That Complicated

In April of this year, I met my now-boyfriend (I call him Caleb in print) through the column. This is the story of us—or, well, how we met. While finding a partner through this series was something I had considered—and even hoped for—I didn’t plan on it happening as quickly as it did. Today, we joke that he ruined the column three months after it launched.

But my initial interaction with Caleb taught me (and maybe my readers) something valuable: a thoughtful first move, a unique date, and some intentional communication is all it takes to score that coveted second date.

Finding Connection in a Disconnected World

SD local Dannika Underhill and I agree: At some point, we all became a little bit more socially awkward. Partially thanks to a global pandemic that had us shut indoors and avoiding group hangouts, today’s digital space is filled with people fatigued by years of uncertainty and isolation. And it’s affecting how we date.

Collectively, we’ve changed in the past four years since Covid-19. In 2023, a poll conducted for Newsweek showed that 42 percent of participants admitted to being less sociable than in 2019. Underhill and I discussed how these new antisocial behaviors were causing plenty of dating woes. However, the conversation was also a good reminder that our collective struggle may be part of what brings us together at the end of the day. 

You’ll Find it When You Stop Looking

All my life, people have told me that I’ll find love when I stop looking for it. To me, that advice has always seemed dismissive and unhelpful. In this piece, I challenged this way of thinking and discussed how dating with purpose (ahem, “putting yourself out there”) isn’t such a bad thing.

Anyone who’s been hit with this advice and felt disheartened, this one may be for you.

I’ve Never Been in a Relationship

I feel grateful to Felicity (not her real name) for sharing her story around this important and under-discussed topic. I received a number of responses to this piece—both men and women thanking me for not seeing them as broken or undateable because they’d never been in a long-term relationship.  

Admittedly, I once privately thought that a lack of dating experience at 30 or 40 was a red flag. But my research—including a chat with San Diego matchmaker Sophy Singer of Sophy Love—taught me that I was wrong. Among other benefits, people who have spent their adult lives single have had ample time to figure out who they are without the influence of a partner. 

There are some great takeaways in this piece, whether you’re like Felicity or have a slew of exes in your back pocket. Check it out.

Pain, Shame, & Redemption

Oof. This one was hard to write. I knew that, at one point in this column’s life, I’d have to come clean about a toxic relationship that nearly broke me. I molded myself into a person I could no longer recognize during that relationship. I also knew that discussing this topic publicly would mean that readers would have a front-row seat to some of my most personal and vulnerable struggles. 

When this was published, I felt simultaneously confident in what I had written and worried that I’d be looked at as weak. “Why didn’t you leave him?” I’ve been asked plenty of times. If only it was that easy. 

It’s hard to choose being single again over being with someone who is sometimes nice to you. It took me years to fully accept that there is a world in which I could date someone who behaves as though they’re the luckiest person to be with me. I hope this article helps others like me who need to hear that a good and healthy relationship is possible—from someone who has gone through it.

If you’re new to Unhinged, catch up on all the dating chats you’ve missed here and follow along at @monicles and @sandiegomag on Instagram to know when a new article drops each week.

Sign-up now for the Unhinged newsletter launching this month. Get exclusive content, Q&As with Nicolle, and subscriber-only meet-ups!

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The post Unhinged, A Dating Series: 8 of the Best Dating Stories of 2024 appeared first on San Diego Magazine.

The SD local has been a contributor to the mag for nearly 10 years and still writes for us today. The six-page spread, entitled “Great Dates,” includes everything from a directory of places to take your love to fully planned romantic itineraries and a quiz to complete with your partner when neither of you can decide what to do on your night out.

It also features Oliver-Kurtin’s thoughts on dating in the city as a 31-year-old. Here’s what she had to say:

Flaky, that’s how I would describe the dating scene here. In recent memory, I’ve had at least four guys cancel on me the day of, or the hour before, our planned date. It’s frustrating. There are just so many options at people’s fingertips with all the dating apps (Tinder, Bumble, Hinge, OkCupid, Match, Coffee Meets Bagel—yes, I’ve tried them all at different times), and if you’re never met in person, guys are less inclined to care about wasting your time or hurting your feelings. I would much prefer to meet someone while I’m out and about, or through mutual friends.

But dating apps have made people lazy. Men don’t have to approach you at a bar and risk rejection, because they’ve got hundreds of other options. They can send a massage to 25 women that says something like, “Sup? Cute smile” and actually begin a conversation while hiding behind their phones. Chances are, at least one of those women will respond as long as he’s employed and over 5-foot-10. (The topic of height as it relates to online dating could be an entirely separate article—so could the blatant disregard for grammar. It sux.)

I’m 31. I don’t go to PB to meet guys. But if I were 21, I probably would. The Gaslamp can be hit or miss. It’s better if you go to a lounge, restaurant bar, or dive bar so that you can actually have a conversation. Downtown clubs are for bottle service, EDM (electronic dance music), and one-night stands. Today, thirtysomethings are flocking to places like Kettner Exchange in Little Italy that feel more mature than the Gaslamp. The trendy neighborhood is becoming more of a late-night destination than ever before—remember when people had romantic dates at charming Italian restaurants there? Alas, this is the world we live in now. So keep calm and swipe on.

Naturally, I was curious about how her love life has fared in the past eight years. Did it ever get any better or easier? I caught up with Oliver-Kurtin this week to hear what it’s been like since that time (hint: she’s now married with two kids) and what advice she’d offer to singles today. 

How did you end up sharing your perspective about San Diego dating in the magazine?

The editors back then were putting together the big love issue for February. And they were like, “We have all these couples and dating ideas for couples. But what about what the singles are doing?”

So, they reached out. I must have been feeling some kind of way, because I unleashed on my friend who was an editor there. I thought it was just an email between the two of us. I was like, “Oh my God, these guys are awful. And I hate dating.” I was so negative. But they went with it. 

When I came home and got the print copy out of my mailbox, I was like, “Oh my God, there’s my email.”

You’re married now. How long was it after that piece that you met your now-husband?

We met in 2017 at the Kaaboo Del Mar music festival. We had a mutual friend. I got separated [from my friends], and then suddenly his group of guy friends [called me over]. My husband actually went to college with [my friend] in Illinois, so I ended up hanging out with him for the three-day festival. And at the end of it, I was like, “Oh, I’m never going to see this guy again. He lives in LA; he’s just my festival fling.”

He was like, “Why don’t you come up to LA? I’ll show you around the city.” I ended up going up there and we’ve been together ever since. 

What was your dating history before meeting him?

I really hadn’t dated too much and I hadn’t really had many long-term relationships at all. I was really sour on dating apps. I just really didn’t want to do the online thing, and I think part of that maybe was because I’m a writer and I wanted a story with it. I didn’t want online to be my story, which is so silly because that’s most people’s story that I meet these days. But at the time, it mattered to me. I really wanted to meet someone organically, but most of my friends are older than me and most of them were already married and didn’t really know many single people.

When you started dating your husband, what stood out to you that was different from the guys you had met previously? 

Whenever I talk to my mom about this, she’s like, “I remember the first time you called me after meeting him. And the words you used to describe him were: ‘He was really kind and he was really smart.’”

We had a really good time together. It was interesting meeting within a music festival environment because we both had had few drinks and were kind of loose and open. We were getting to know each other without sitting across from each other at a dinner table interviewing each other. 

It was very organic. It felt like there was no pressure, and we just really had fun together. I think that’s really the biggest part. I felt like when I was going into dates, it was like, “I must see if this is going to be a future partner.” 

I felt like it was more serious. And with [him], it was like, “I’m just kind of hanging out with this guy, and this probably isn’t even going anywhere.” So there was no pressure. 

What were some ways that you determined that your values and the things that really mattered to you aligned?

He’s Indian American. He was born and raised in Chicago and is a first-generation American, so there are cultural differences. But he was super open and honest about that, and no topics were off limits. 

He was also willing to jump right into my world. I used to bring him to media events, even though he’s more of an introvert, and I was like, “Let’s see how he does at this wine festival.” And, you know, he would always surprise me and rise to the occasion and pull out this extroverted self. 

I think just kind of seeing him in my world, seeing him with my friends and family, and then having deeper conversations—I felt like we just really made good use of our limited time together.

What did you learn about yourself while dating that you had to adjust or work on in order to make the relationship work?

I usually like to over-schedule myself. I’m one of those people who’s like, “I’m going to pack 75 things into this one day,” and he is horrified by that. If we’re on vacation, he’s like, “Well, this isn’t a vacation if you’ve planned 100 things today.” So I’m learning, like, “Okay, I need to do what’s going to work for us.”

I’d also been single for so long that I really only had to only consider myself and my needs and what works for me. I needed someone who could stand up to me and who would kind of put me in my place if I needed [that], and not someone who’s going to let me steamroll them. And he is that; he will totally call me on my BS.

What are some of your single friends saying about dating in San Diego nowadays? 

We had a friend over the other night, and she was saying, “I’ve taken the pressure off myself and now I’m just dating for the experiences.” Instead of going into every date like, “Is this going to last forever?” She’s like, “I’m trying to have fun and go to restaurants that I want to try or do activities that I want to try.” Again, taking that pressure off. I like that perspective.

What advice would you give others as they try to date?

I’ve realized, at least between me and my husband, that when we’re trying to have serious conversations, one of the best places to have them is in the car because they can’t bolt and you’re stuck there. But you don’t have to look at them, so if it’s really uncomfortable, you can just keep looking straight forward. Or going on walks together. We walk a lot together, and when we need to talk through hard stuff, it’s like, “Okay, let’s go walk it out.”

I feel like it makes it less intense, less pressured, and we can come in and out of conversation. We can take a long pause and come back to it after thinking through things. He’s more analytical than I am, so [often] he needs the time and space to think through how he’s feeling about something.

If you’re new to Unhinged, catch up on all the dating chats you’ve missed here and follow along at @monicles and @sandiegomag on Instagram to know when a new article drops each week.

Sign-up now for the Unhinged newsletter launching this month. Get exclusive content, Q&As with Nicolle, and subscriber-only meet-ups!

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The post Unhinged, A Dating Series: From the Archives appeared first on San Diego Magazine.

To be fair, I’m an overthinker with anxiety, so it’s not super uncommon for me to be staring at my ceiling at 3 a.m. Since I wrote that article, I’ve spoken with a handful of friends, including singles, people in relationships, and people who have been married for 10 or more years. I also had a session with my own therapist and jumped on a call with my former matchmaker Sophy Singer of Sophy Love. 

One of those singles, Maria*, shared that part of why her long-term relationship didn’t work was because she felt exhausted by being constantly on the go with him, often in situations where people were drinking heavily. 

Since she enjoyed spending time with him, she naturally said yes to all his plans and showed up for every event in the beginning. Eventually, because she’s someone who prefers a slower life and eight hours of sleep, it caught up with her, and they couldn’t come to a compromise that worked for them both.

Her ex wasn’t willing to hear her out and cut down on the partying, and she wasn’t willing to give up her sleep to spend some late nights out with him. 

Caleb* isn’t like Maria’s ex, though. He’s acknowledged my need for rest on the weekends and has said that I’m a priority for him—meaning, he’s willing to do what’s best for us as a couple rather than focusing solely on his own needs. So, when I was finally honest with myself, I knew that I wasn’t asking the real question that’s been on my mind. 

Will Caleb’s penchant for late nights and a packed social calendar change when we have a family and children? If not, can I ever be okay with us living two very different lives? 

To his credit, since I first shared these concerns with him, Caleb’s been the one to suggest leaving social gatherings early. He’s also made it clear that if we ever have children, things will naturally slow down. I trust that he’s being truthful about his intentions—but it’s hard to plan a life with someone based on the potential for change, especially if there will be children involved. 

When I sat down with my therapist, she challenged me to dig into why I wanted this part of our lives to align. “If he chooses not to stop and goes out with friends and stays out late on the weekends but never brings the party back home, is that a deal breaker?” she asked. “If he doesn’t treat you poorly and you trust him when he’s out, and it’s not causing any problems per say; he just enjoys drinking with his friends—is this a problem?”

I could feel it in my gut that it was—but I had to think for a bit before I realized why: Fundamentally, I value a healthier lifestyle. This is not to say that I don’t enjoy eating junk food, forgoing workouts for Netflix marathons, or drinking wine with friends, but I do place a lot of importance on being physically and mentally fit. 

To me, that means getting enough sleep, moderating alcohol intake, spending one-on-one time with friends, and taking breaks on the weekends to reset after the work week. It’s important to me that my partner shares those values, or at least respects my need for them enough to shift their own lifestyle a bit to accommodate them. 

Matchmaker Sophy Singer helped me put it into words: “You would like to know from him if he is open and willing to start slowing down to a point that feels more balanced and is indicative of him prioritizing the relationship that you guys are building,” she articulates. “You’re not saying to change overnight, but at some point, the change has to happen. Otherwise, it sounds to me like this lifestyle is not a fit for you long-term.” 

It’s true—I can’t keep up with the current pace of our shared lives forever. I’ve said it many times, though: Caleb is a good man who I can see a future with. He’s also someone who values communication and isn’t one to hold overly firm to his point-of-view when presented with alternative perspectives or thoughts. 

That in itself can be hard to find. I also have to be willing to see the opposing perspective myself: I assume Caleb would love for me to be open to spending more nights out with friends and at social events because it’s a way to share something he enjoys with his partner. This is not a one-sided conversation. 

With that in mind, Singer urged me to consider exactly what I’d like the outcome of our talks to be. The gray area is where we can get tripped up, she suggested. What would be the next steps after a conversation like this? 

For me, this would mean working together toward a common goal of balancing his socially packed life with my slower-paced needs before we have children. From the beginning, we’ve discussed our mutual dream of having a family, and it’s important to him to be present for our future kids. As we move forward, I want to hear him out on ways I can support him so he doesn’t feel like he’s losing relationships with friends or a robust social life—or himself—in pursuit of a joyful family life. 

I’ve compromised my values and needs for someone I loved before, and I don’t want that for myself—or for Caleb. But most couples don’t immediately match up in every way. Instead, they have to intertwine their lives to build a shared day-to-day that satisfies both of them. As Caleb and I have conversations about what we each need, we’ll have to decide how that works for us.

Can we create a mutual vision of what a fulfilling shared lifestyle looks like? How long am I willing to wait to see that vision come to fruition? Those are questions that can only be answered with communication and time. 

Are you wrestling with similar questions in your own relationship? Have you found a way to compromise with a partner whose ideal lifestyle is very different from yours? Drop me an email at [email protected] to share your story.

*Both Maria and Caleb are pseudonyms.

If you’re new to Unhinged, catch up on all the dating chats you’ve missed here and follow along at @monicles and @sandiegomag on Instagram to know when a new article drops each week.

Sign-up now for the Unhinged newsletter launching this month. Get exclusive content, Q&As with Nicolle, and subscriber-only meet-ups!

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The post Unhinged, A Dating Series: Finding a Middle Ground appeared first on San Diego Magazine.

I promised myself and readers that I’d be open and honest when it comes to writing about my dating life. Over the past few months, I’ve found it helpful to write out the thoughts and questions I’ve had while getting to know Caleb. At some point, though, there came a shift. 

I felt a need to protect what we’re building. My last personal post came out in August. Since then, I’ve wrestled with what to share next. Caleb is the kind of person who makes friends wherever he goes. A personable extrovert, he works in an industry that allows him to travel often and befriend people along the way. I’ve met so many new faces through him. 

His friends read this column, and my crew reads each piece, too—so, you can see where this can start to get tricky. “I’d never ask you to stop writing the column because of me,” Caleb said once. “This is how we met.” He’d also be the first to share how proud he is of this Unhinged community that we’ve built together—you, the readers, and me.

That’s all to say that I’m a little nervous this week as I dig into a topic that we’re still working through as a couple. But conversations with friends have proven that today’s topic is one many couples have had to work through (or are currently wrestling with): How important is it for partners to share the same lifestyle and social needs?

I love getting into bed at 9 p.m. every night, and while I used to head into the Gaslamp decked out in heels and tiny dresses in my 20s and early 30s, those days are long behind me. I prefer daytime drinks now, and even then, I can only handle a few (hangovers are two-day affairs). A perfect weekend day for me involves sunshine, a workout, tons of great food, and time to socially unwind from the week.

Caleb, on the other hand, has been a roadie for touring bands for the last 15 years, working his way up from loading and unloading equipment to directing concert video. You know those massive LED screens that project the concert for the whole arena to see? He’s the one behind the scenes, deciding when each camera’s shots get mixed into the main feed. He’s used to being up late, doesn’t have a standard work schedule, and only gets to see friends when he’s home for a few days at a time. So, he likes to make the most of his time at home in San Diego.

Sometimes, that looks like late nights drinking with his friends, watching football indoors all day on Sundays, and keeping a jam-packed schedule of events on the weekends. Neither lifestyle is right or wrong. They’re just different.

We had the big conversations early on in our relationship—marriage, kids, religion, whether we both planned to stay in San Diego—and we aligned on most of these things, which is why we chose to keep seeing each other. What I didn’t expect, though, was how often our lifestyles and social needs would come into play in the day-to-day. Maybe that was naïve of me—but it’s never really been an issue in previous relationships. 

Lately, my social calendar has been packed with birthday parties, trips, weddings, and weekend activities, mostly with his group of friends. It’s been fun and exciting, and his buddies have welcomed me in so kindly and graciously. But introverts need to recharge. My social battery feels more drained than ever, and I wonder how long I can keep going without the downtime I need to regroup each week.

Caleb is asking himself similar questions. As an extrovert who loves his circle, can he be with someone who may need to skip out on social events occasionally, or someone who asks to leave parties early when he’s still enjoying his time out?

We haven’t figured it out yet. But it’s there, this lingering question. As I sat down to write this week, I asked my colleague and SDM Associate Editor Amelia Rodriguez for her thoughts on the subject.

She’s been with her partner for two years. They moved in together about a year ago and are excited to get engaged sometime soon. In the past, Amelia has dated women with very different lifestyles and social needs from her own. She considers herself an extrovert, though she values sleep and taking time to reset, and she isn’t much of a drinker or partier. 

“I think vastly different social needs were a big part of why several of my previous relationships didn’t work out. I hated feeling cooped up inside with more introverted partners, but when I went in the opposite direction and dated an outgoing bartender, I rarely saw them—they couldn’t do early mornings, I couldn’t do late nights,” she says. “Another more extroverted fling drank… a lot. I couldn’t match her energy, and the fact that her drinking made her forget details of our dates that I remembered left me feeling lonely and sad.”

When she first met her now-partner, they didn’t have much in common when it came to shared hobbies or interests. Amelia likes art museums, poetry readings, and ice cream shops. Her lactose-intolerant girlfriend, on the other hand, was into soccer games, breweries, and camping. 

“But we shared a similar love for being out in the community, and as we introduced one another to our favorite things, it became clear that doing something together was more important than what the thing was (though she still hasn’t managed to get me to camp),” she says. “Some couples I know are really comfortable having fairly separate social lives and different lifestyles, but that wouldn’t work for me, personally. Of course, we spend time apart—alone at home or with our own friends—but the fact that, pretty much every weekend, we’re excited to plan something interesting to do together makes the occasional ‘you go; I’m too tired’ no big deal.”

This all makes sense to me, though it does still leave me with questions. For one, a good man is hard to find (at least in my own experience), so I’m worried that I’m overthinking our lifestyle differences. Caleb has so many qualities that I want in a husband. Is it a deal-breaker if his life never slows down? Would I be okay having a big portion of our lives be separate in order to make sure we both feel happy and fulfilled while together?

In the next column, I’ll be chatting with others and enlisting the help of relationship coaches, therapists, and experts in dating to find out what they can share about this topic. And I want to hear from readers. Do you and your longtime partner have different social needs? If you’ve dealt with these same questions, drop me an email at [email protected] and let me know how it’s played out in your life.

*Caleb is a pseudonym.

If you’re new to Unhinged, catch up on all the dating chats you’ve missed here and follow along at @monicles and @sandiegomag on Instagram to know when a new article drops each week.

Sign-up now for the Unhinged newsletter launching this month. Get exclusive content, Q&As with Nicolle, and subscriber-only meet-ups!

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The post Unhinged, A Dating Series: Can an Early Bird Date a Night Owl? appeared first on San Diego Magazine.

Created by La Jolla resident Andrea Miller, the app was made to “bring together singles who share similar lifestyles by fostering an environment that prioritizes quality connections,” its website touts. Here’s how it works:

You sign up with your phone number,  answer some questions about your dating preferences, and fill out your bio, similar to other popular dating apps. Then you’ll be asked to choose some of your favorite athletic activities, including extreme sports, fishing, golfing, hiking, indoor volleyball, or kickboxing. You’ll also need to choose your preferred first date from five options: coffee, working out together, drinks, dinner, or going for a walk.

GoGetter’s swiping interface is the most comparable to Tinder, with an “X” on the left side of a profile to pass and a heart in the center to say “yes.” You won’t have to guess if you share similar interests with your potential match—you can see their chosen activities under their profile. Once matched, you have 48 hours to chat with each other before the match disappears. However, you must pay a “coin,” which costs $1, to start a conversation.

While the app piqued my interest when I first heard about it, I wasn’t quite sure how its mission statement would translate into real-life dating scenarios. GoGetter’s focus on connecting people who love  being outdoors, working up a sweat, and getting their bodies moving resonated with me—after all, I looked for these qualities in a potential partner while dating. 

So, I called up its founder to get the scoop, and I enlisted a friend to try out the app. 

“I left the corporate world to pursue this dating app. I was 35 and single and was basically saying, ‘Hey, this is what I would need to find love,’” says Miller, who was living in Australia at the time for work and to travel. “I knew that my number-one non-negotiable was that I wanted to meet someone who lived an active lifestyle. So I thought, ‘Let’s start there.’ It was just mind-boggling to me that nothing was really out there serving this niche.”

Miller, who is now 43, launched the app (then called Slindir) in Australia in 2016. A year later, she moved to San Diego and debuted a second iteration for the US market with updated tech and a full rebrand, including its name. 

“And then Covid hit and I was in a time when I actually ended up having to go back to Australia, so that kind of slowed things down a little bit,” Miller recalls. “I couldn’t keep the momentum up.” She met her now-husband while working out on the beach and eventually had a baby during the pandemic.

In 2022, Miller decided it was time to re-launch in San Diego with the addition of a new feature that was important to her: pay-to-talk. As mentioned earlier, when you match with someone, you have to pay a “coin” (or, literally, one dollar), to initiate a conversation. If the other person wants to chat, too, they can pony up the $1 fee to do so; otherwise, if they decide they don’t want to talk, you’ll get your coin returned to your virtual bank.

“The whole idea is that … you both need to make a move; you’re go-getters,” Miller says. “Let’s take these ‘yeses’ that people have given to each other and let’s verify them a bit more. If you’re really interested in talking to this person, show some initiative. Put the effort in.” 

On its head, this approach makes sense to me. Other apps have similar ways of coaxing conversations. Bumble gives pairs 24 hours to connect before the match expires and disappears. While talking to matches on Hinge is free, many of the app’s most popular filtering features (including height, religious views, and family preferences) are only available to users who pay in-app fees—meaning that you’re paying for the opportunity to speak with a more curated list of people, rather than casting a wide net for free.

However, if you’re a new GoGetter user, the coin feature may have you second-guessing using the app. My friend Megan, for her part, had mixed feelings about it. “Even a dollar is going to make me think twice about chatting with someone I’m lukewarm about,” she says. “But I would be thrilled to pay $5 if there were five guys I actually wanted to talk with.”

Miller argues that when somebody chooses to pay a coin to talk to you, they’re reaffirming they’re interest, which in turn adds value to the connection. “It’s not like, ‘Oh, I paid to be on this platform,’” she says. “It’s like, ‘I’ve paid to talk to you.’” 

Currently, the app has under 100 users in San Diego and only 1,500 across the entire country. But, according to Miller, it’s growing—just maybe not fast enough. 

“There were literally two men in SD on it. Then it started throwing me men and women from all over,” Megan says. “I was getting women almost immediately, even though my settings say, ‘Only men.’ And then, within a dozen swipes, I was onto Phoenix and SF. Interesting concept; [it] just needs to grow, I think.” 

July 12, 2024

Unhinged, A Dating Series: Singles Are Ditching Apps for In-Person EventsRELATED ARTICLE

Megan deleted the app. Miller knows she must draw more users to GoGetter if it’s going to compete with the major players in this field. 

“I need to take the focus away from trying to get as many people as possible and really serve each market at a time,” she says. “Because I am here in San Diego, I thought, Okay, I can be part of the marketing and the events and really just kind of find out what works, and then, that way, I can replicate that in each market.”

She plans to use in-person meetups to help grow the GoGetter community. Her goal is to host get-togethers for app users to ensure attendees are ready to date and share the values of the app.

“Once we start to build the audience a little bit more, we’re going to start holding events,” Miller says. “They might be social events; they might be active events—could be a running thing, a yoga thing, or a happy hour. I think it’s important to bring people together.” 

What do you think? Are you willing to be a guinea pig and try out the new app? Or is the pay-to-talk feature a reason to skip it all together?

If you’re new to Unhinged, catch up on all the dating chats you’ve missed here and follow along at @monicles and @sandiegomag on Instagram to know when a new article drops each week.

Sign-up now for the Unhinged newsletter for exclusive content, Q&As with Nicolle, and subscriber-only meet-ups!

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The post Unhinged, A Dating Series: Would You Pay to Talk to a Match? appeared first on San Diego Magazine.

One night, at a bar in South Park, I saw a tall, indie-rock Viking sporting a canvas tote bag and decided that this progressive-leaning, vinyl-collecting man was going to be mine. Within minutes, he introduced himself with a pint in hand. We chatted, and Chris (not his real name) offered to buy me another drink. After some flirting and a few more beers, midnight rolled around, and we left together.

At his house, he put on Michael Jackson, and we danced. Chris poured me another glass of wine. As we edged toward the bed, something shifted in his eyes. Suddenly, all six feet, three inches of him slammed to the floor, his limbs splayed on the hardwood. The booze had won out. 

I wanted to put him to bed and “girlfriend” him, but I knew it was time to leave instead. I helped him up, called a car, and tip-toed out. I was embarrassed—for me and for him. I wish I could have gotten to know who he really was before the six pack kicked in. Maybe if we’d gone on a hike instead of drinking at a bar, he could have been the one.

Recently, SDM editor and Unhinged columnist Nicolle Monico wrote that in 2025, daters will be leaning toward dry dates over the typical bar meetups. As a 40-something-year-old, full-time writer seeking a long-term partnership, I enjoy a calming glass of wine on first dates. But after many failed “wet” dates, this trend had me curious about what it’s like to forgo that crutch of social lubrication. 

If I’m being honest, alcohol has always been there to get me through life. I grew up in a restaurant family and drinking was ubiquitous. To this day, my mom’s first suggestion when I’m feeling down is that I grab a G&T. Since my 20s, I have relied on alcohol to ease me into potentially awkward social situations. I joke that I’m great on first dates because I’m witty and gregarious, but it’s probably just the Chardonnay talking—and who knows if I’m as charming as I think I am? 

Alcohol helps quell my anxiety about so many things: Will he think I’m smart? What if I’m not pretty enough? What if I chose the wrong outfit? Will he notice that I’ve gained 15 pounds since that last profile pic was taken? I’m terrified that I won’t be understood and ultimately rejected— just for being myself. I’ve always squashed these racing thoughts with a glass of something rather than dealing with my own rejection sensitivity, or even being open to the possibility that no one is judging me half as hard as I am judging myself.

To challenge myself, I decided to go on a slew of non-drinking dates: bowling, the beach, coffee, Mexican food sans margaritas. Sometimes I asked if we could keep things dry; other times, I just stuck to water as my date sipped on something boozy. Taking away my liquid security blanket was a shock to the senses. I felt far more self-conscious than when I was drinking. I had to do breathing exercises before every date to calm my nervous system, which would normally be soothed by something stronger.

On the bowling date in El Cajon, the scent of IPAs wafting in the distance, I bonded with a professional ice skater over his recent heartbreak and our shared experiences of being the one left behind. The activity and faux-competitiveness of the date distracted me from the need to drink, but once the conversation kicked in, I felt like I overcompensated by oversharing and getting straight to the deep stuff. Thankfully, he welcomed it, and I felt a weird sense of safety. It was refreshing to talk about relationships and not sex, as alcohol has a way of guiding the conversation in that direction.

On my next date, I shared sushi in Mission Beach with a man who recently divorced his best friend and partner of 20 years, only to pick up a penchant for shibari. Then came enchiladas and a conversation about polyamory with a man who loves Porches. My last sober date was, ironically, at a dive bar with an actual sober guy. 

We played our favorite songs on the jukebox and drank ginger beers, bonding over shared music tastes and mental health diagnoses. I’m not sure I would have divulged that sensitive information had I been drinking. My date was honest with me about why he made the decision to become sober. This confession made me want to offer up something about myself to match his vulnerability. It turns out we have a lot more in common than just loving Bikini Kill.

None of these dates ended with anything physical, not even a peck on the cheek. With alcohol, I definitely would have been persuaded to take things further, even on a first date. Staying dry kept me grounded in my boundaries—I wanted to save the physical connection for when I knew there was an emotional one. 

None of these dates provided the drama and danger of a lushy meet-cute, but I did feel more comfortable in my own skin the more I did it. Instead of being in my head about what the other person thought about me, I was better equipped to make decisions based on what I thought of them, rather than seeking their approval. 

What stood out to me is my own reliance on alcohol to make me feel worthy of love. The fact that I don’t think I’m enough without a little liquid encouragement broke my heart. I drink to have fun and to feel like an elevated version of myself. But why can’t I be that person on my own? It made me reflect on my own relationship with alcohol, which I’ll continue to think about. Did this experiment make me want to go sober? No. But it did make me want to love and trust myself more deeply, without an ABV.

Though none of my dry dates led to a second, I was able to make better judgments on these potential partners and stick to my own values and boundaries, which always seem to disintegrate after a few glasses of natty wine. I felt sure about my decisions (do I send a follow-up text? Do I ghost?). There was no gray area in my gray matter, which can so often be clouded by a drink.

I’ll probably still make some mistakes in dark bars, but adding more dry dates to my journey could be the difference between meeting a guy for now and a guy for forever. At the very least, it’ll make for some good memories… and a healthier liver.  

If you’re new to Unhinged, catch up on all the dating chats you’ve missed here and follow along at @monicles and @sandiegomag on Instagram to know when a new article drops each week.

Sign-up now for the Unhinged newsletter for exclusive content, Q&As with Nicolle, and subscriber-only meet-ups!

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The post Unhinged, A Dating Series: What Sober Dating Taught Me appeared first on San Diego Magazine.

“I’m really happy when on my own, so if I’m unhappy in a relationship, or if it’s too hard, then I’d rather be alone,” Trent (not his real name) said as we chatted one evening. His point was that, at 37, he had created a good life for himself, one that he’d only give up if it brought him even more joy.

This past weekend while sipping cheap cocktails at Club Marina, my girl friends and I had a similar convo. Sarah (not her real name) shared that she isn’t really sure what she wants in a relationship because she enjoys her life and compromising any part of it isn’t something she’s ready to do for someone. She’ll tell you she wants companionship though, it just has to allow her the freedom to keep her life as is.

Back in April, I wrote about “wanting it all” when it came to love, arguing that if I can’t, I’d rather remain single. “Finding just anyone to be with has never been appealing to me,” I wrote. “I don’t want companionship for companionship’s sake. I want someone who truly challenges me and complements my life. Because if I’m not going to have the kind of romance that makes my heart jump when I see them in 30 years, then I don’t want it.” 

As I thought about these conversations and my own values, I realized that their connective tissue relied on the fact that being single was easier (or even better) than being in a relationship if the latter meant having to give up or ignore fundamental pieces of yourself. 

On its head, I get it. It takes less work to stick to the life you already have. It’s less effort to only worry about yourself. But this way of thinking is missing the opportunity that relationships give us for growth. 

To be clear, I’m not suggesting that you can’t grow or learn about yourself without being in a committed relationship or that being in one is in any way superior to not being in one. But, for those who want romantic partnership, having that type of thinking—“If it’s going to be hard, if I have to change, I’m better off single”—could be a barrier to not only finding love, but changing our own blind spots or any trauma-induced habits.

Sometimes, self-awareness can only really come when someone you’re intimately close with holds up a mirror to you. Understanding ourselves better is beneficial to our mental health and overall wellbeing—but it takes practice, the kind you get from being with someone.

And yes, your life will change when dating someone, but that’s part of the beauty of learning to love another person. Living in a healthy partnership can open life up in big, new, and exciting ways and the right person can make falling in love the easiest thing in the world.

If you’re stuck feeling like the benefits of being single outweigh having a partner, yet you’re still hoping to find love, here are some ways that being in a relationship can actually enhance the life you already have.  

Dating Helps Us Understand Ourselves Better

Sure, if you don’t date, you might be happier since you don’t have to adjust your life to fit someone else’s. Or, if you’re in a relationship and you’re arguing early on as you get to know each other, you may think that it’s easier to just be alone. Relationships often bring to the surface difficult things within ourselves that can feel easier to ignore. Relationships challenge us to grow, and that’s not a bad thing. 

The dynamics of dating someone naturally means that you’re going to have to reflect on how you treat your partner and what expectations you have of them. No one wants to hear what they’re doing wrong as a girlfriend or boyfriend, how their past has brought on unhelpful or unhealthy traits, or that they haven’t mastered good communication. But this is where we learn. This is the power of the mirror. This is how we stop repeating harmful behaviors and toxic cycles and finally move on from the lessons that continue to come up in our lives.

Dating Allows Us to Broaden Our Worldviews

I’ve never dated a man with exactly the same values, morals, or views on life that I’ve had. Even the ones who’ve most aligned with me are still not perfect matches. What’s so great about dating is that your partner is going to have their own unique life experiences which dictate their view on everything. 

If you know any journalists, you’ll know that many of us tend to be a little skeptical by nature. This is great for what we do as a career, but not necessarily the most positive thing in relationships. Currently, I’m learning to recognize the good instead of quickly seeing the bad in various scenarios thanks to conversations with my partner who is possibly the most happy-go-lucky person I know.

If you’re open (and willing to learn), you can broaden your understanding of the world just by being with someone who challenges you to think differently.

Dating Helps Us Work on Communication 

Have you ever argued with a new partner and realized your communication style may lead to even more disagreements versus resolutions? Learning how to effectively communicate with another human may be one of the most challenging parts about being intimately involved with another person.

I’ve mentioned it before, I struggle with shutting down during conflict which can be hurtful for my partners. I’ve also learned that for me, asking for a minute to process is important to me. Having that little bit of space from the situation usually allows me to see more clearly. But I wouldn’t know all this, not to this level at least, if I hadn’t dated in my past.

Having to learn how to express your needs well and navigate disagreements might be one of the most useful parts of being in a relationship. These are the kinds of life tools that benefit you in work, in friendships, and in family dynamics, and ones that you can take with you in every season of life.

Dating Brings to Light Our Attachment Styles

You’ve likely heard the term “attachment styles” tossed around in the dating world. But if you’re not familiar with them, it’s a way to describe how we expect others to relate in close relationships. They’re often based on childhood experiences and your relationship with your primary caregiver(s).

The four attachment styles are: secure, avoidant, anxious, and disorganized. You can read more about each here. Ideally, the healthiest relationships are rooted in a secure attachment—though this is often not the case. When you date, you start to learn which style you may struggle with and can take steps to work toward a more secure one. It’s hard work and takes practice but in the end will make you a stronger, more emotionally available person.

If you’re new to Unhinged, catch up on all the dating chats you’ve missed here and follow along at @monicles and @sandiegomag on Instagram to know when a new article drops each week.

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