Love Archives - San Diego Magazine https://sandiegomagazine.com/tag/love/ Fri, 06 Dec 2024 17:35:55 +0000 en-US hourly 1 https://wordpress.org/?v=6.7.1 https://sandiegomagazine.com/wp-content/uploads/2023/08/cropped-SDM_favicon-32x32.png Love Archives - San Diego Magazine https://sandiegomagazine.com/tag/love/ 32 32 Unhinged, A Dating Series: From the Archives https://sandiegomagazine.com/everything-sd/love-dating/unhinged-a-dating-series/ Fri, 06 Dec 2024 15:00:00 +0000 https://sandiegomagazine.com/?p=92898 In 2016, Kai Oliver-Kurtin penned an article on the perils of dating in SD—eight years later, she’s back to share her perspective

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I’ve been digging through San Diego Magazine’s archives recently, working to understand what dating has looked like over the past 76 years of the mag’s existence. As I browsed, I came across an article in the February 2016 issue featuring a byline I recognized: Kai Oliver-Kurtin. 

The SD local has been a contributor to the mag for nearly 10 years and still writes for us today. The six-page spread, entitled “Great Dates,” includes everything from a directory of places to take your love to fully planned romantic itineraries and a quiz to complete with your partner when neither of you can decide what to do on your night out.

It also features Oliver-Kurtin’s thoughts on dating in the city as a 31-year-old. Here’s what she had to say:

Flaky, that’s how I would describe the dating scene here. In recent memory, I’ve had at least four guys cancel on me the day of, or the hour before, our planned date. It’s frustrating. There are just so many options at people’s fingertips with all the dating apps (Tinder, Bumble, Hinge, OkCupid, Match, Coffee Meets Bagel—yes, I’ve tried them all at different times), and if you’re never met in person, guys are less inclined to care about wasting your time or hurting your feelings. I would much prefer to meet someone while I’m out and about, or through mutual friends.

But dating apps have made people lazy. Men don’t have to approach you at a bar and risk rejection, because they’ve got hundreds of other options. They can send a massage to 25 women that says something like, “Sup? Cute smile” and actually begin a conversation while hiding behind their phones. Chances are, at least one of those women will respond as long as he’s employed and over 5-foot-10. (The topic of height as it relates to online dating could be an entirely separate article—so could the blatant disregard for grammar. It sux.)

I’m 31. I don’t go to PB to meet guys. But if I were 21, I probably would. The Gaslamp can be hit or miss. It’s better if you go to a lounge, restaurant bar, or dive bar so that you can actually have a conversation. Downtown clubs are for bottle service, EDM (electronic dance music), and one-night stands. Today, thirtysomethings are flocking to places like Kettner Exchange in Little Italy that feel more mature than the Gaslamp. The trendy neighborhood is becoming more of a late-night destination than ever before—remember when people had romantic dates at charming Italian restaurants there? Alas, this is the world we live in now. So keep calm and swipe on.

Naturally, I was curious about how her love life has fared in the past eight years. Did it ever get any better or easier? I caught up with Oliver-Kurtin this week to hear what it’s been like since that time (hint: she’s now married with two kids) and what advice she’d offer to singles today. 


How did you end up sharing your perspective about San Diego dating in the magazine?

The editors back then were putting together the big love issue for February. And they were like, “We have all these couples and dating ideas for couples. But what about what the singles are doing?”

So, they reached out. I must have been feeling some kind of way, because I unleashed on my friend who was an editor there. I thought it was just an email between the two of us. I was like, “Oh my God, these guys are awful. And I hate dating.” I was so negative. But they went with it. 

When I came home and got the print copy out of my mailbox, I was like, “Oh my God, there’s my email.”

You’re married now. How long was it after that piece that you met your now-husband?

We met in 2017 at the Kaaboo Del Mar music festival. We had a mutual friend. I got separated [from my friends], and then suddenly his group of guy friends [called me over]. My husband actually went to college with [my friend] in Illinois, so I ended up hanging out with him for the three-day festival. And at the end of it, I was like, “Oh, I’m never going to see this guy again. He lives in LA; he’s just my festival fling.”

He was like, “Why don’t you come up to LA? I’ll show you around the city.” I ended up going up there and we’ve been together ever since. 

Kai and her now husband in 2017 at Kaaboo Del Mar Music Festival

What was your dating history before meeting him?

I really hadn’t dated too much and I hadn’t really had many long-term relationships at all. I was really sour on dating apps. I just really didn’t want to do the online thing, and I think part of that maybe was because I’m a writer and I wanted a story with it. I didn’t want online to be my story, which is so silly because that’s most people’s story that I meet these days. But at the time, it mattered to me. I really wanted to meet someone organically, but most of my friends are older than me and most of them were already married and didn’t really know many single people.

When you started dating your husband, what stood out to you that was different from the guys you had met previously? 

Whenever I talk to my mom about this, she’s like, “I remember the first time you called me after meeting him. And the words you used to describe him were: ‘He was really kind and he was really smart.’”

We had a really good time together. It was interesting meeting within a music festival environment because we both had had few drinks and were kind of loose and open. We were getting to know each other without sitting across from each other at a dinner table interviewing each other. 

It was very organic. It felt like there was no pressure, and we just really had fun together. I think that’s really the biggest part. I felt like when I was going into dates, it was like, “I must see if this is going to be a future partner.” 

I felt like it was more serious. And with [him], it was like, “I’m just kind of hanging out with this guy, and this probably isn’t even going anywhere.” So there was no pressure. 

What were some ways that you determined that your values and the things that really mattered to you aligned?

He’s Indian American. He was born and raised in Chicago and is a first-generation American, so there are cultural differences. But he was super open and honest about that, and no topics were off limits. 

He was also willing to jump right into my world. I used to bring him to media events, even though he’s more of an introvert, and I was like, “Let’s see how he does at this wine festival.” And, you know, he would always surprise me and rise to the occasion and pull out this extroverted self

I think just kind of seeing him in my world, seeing him with my friends and family, and then having deeper conversations—I felt like we just really made good use of our limited time together.

What did you learn about yourself while dating that you had to adjust or work on in order to make the relationship work?

I usually like to over-schedule myself. I’m one of those people who’s like, “I’m going to pack 75 things into this one day,” and he is horrified by that. If we’re on vacation, he’s like, “Well, this isn’t a vacation if you’ve planned 100 things today.” So I’m learning, like, “Okay, I need to do what’s going to work for us.”

I’d also been single for so long that I really only had to only consider myself and my needs and what works for me. I needed someone who could stand up to me and who would kind of put me in my place if I needed [that], and not someone who’s going to let me steamroll them. And he is that; he will totally call me on my BS.

What are some of your single friends saying about dating in San Diego nowadays? 

We had a friend over the other night, and she was saying, “I’ve taken the pressure off myself and now I’m just dating for the experiences.” Instead of going into every date like, “Is this going to last forever?” She’s like, “I’m trying to have fun and go to restaurants that I want to try or do activities that I want to try.” Again, taking that pressure off. I like that perspective.

What advice would you give others as they try to date?

I’ve realized, at least between me and my husband, that when we’re trying to have serious conversations, one of the best places to have them is in the car because they can’t bolt and you’re stuck there. But you don’t have to look at them, so if it’s really uncomfortable, you can just keep looking straight forward. Or going on walks together. We walk a lot together, and when we need to talk through hard stuff, it’s like, “Okay, let’s go walk it out.”

I feel like it makes it less intense, less pressured, and we can come in and out of conversation. We can take a long pause and come back to it after thinking through things. He’s more analytical than I am, so [often] he needs the time and space to think through how he’s feeling about something.


If you’re new to Unhinged, catch up on all the dating chats you’ve missed here and follow along at @monicles and @sandiegomag on Instagram to know when a new article drops each week.

Sign-up now for the Unhinged newsletter launching this month. Get exclusive content, Q&As with Nicolle, and subscriber-only meet-ups!

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Unhinged, A Dating Series: Finding a Middle Ground https://sandiegomagazine.com/everything-sd/love-dating/unhinged-dating-series-finding-a-middle-ground/ Fri, 22 Nov 2024 15:00:00 +0000 https://sandiegomagazine.com/?p=91952 How can partners with different needs create a mutual vision for a fulfilling shared lifestyle?

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I’ve lain awake just about every night for the last two weeks thinking about the question I posed in my last article: Can a couple last long-term with vastly different lifestyle preferences and social needs? 

To be fair, I’m an overthinker with anxiety, so it’s not super uncommon for me to be staring at my ceiling at 3 a.m. Since I wrote that article, I’ve spoken with a handful of friends, including singles, people in relationships, and people who have been married for 10 or more years. I also had a session with my own therapist and jumped on a call with my former matchmaker Sophy Singer of Sophy Love

One of those singles, Maria*, shared that part of why her long-term relationship didn’t work was because she felt exhausted by being constantly on the go with him, often in situations where people were drinking heavily. 

Since she enjoyed spending time with him, she naturally said yes to all his plans and showed up for every event in the beginning. Eventually, because she’s someone who prefers a slower life and eight hours of sleep, it caught up with her, and they couldn’t come to a compromise that worked for them both.

Her ex wasn’t willing to hear her out and cut down on the partying, and she wasn’t willing to give up her sleep to spend some late nights out with him. 

Caleb* isn’t like Maria’s ex, though. He’s acknowledged my need for rest on the weekends and has said that I’m a priority for him—meaning, he’s willing to do what’s best for us as a couple rather than focusing solely on his own needs. So, when I was finally honest with myself, I knew that I wasn’t asking the real question that’s been on my mind. 

Will Caleb’s penchant for late nights and a packed social calendar change when we have a family and children? If not, can I ever be okay with us living two very different lives? 

To his credit, since I first shared these concerns with him, Caleb’s been the one to suggest leaving social gatherings early. He’s also made it clear that if we ever have children, things will naturally slow down. I trust that he’s being truthful about his intentions—but it’s hard to plan a life with someone based on the potential for change, especially if there will be children involved. 

When I sat down with my therapist, she challenged me to dig into why I wanted this part of our lives to align. “If he chooses not to stop and goes out with friends and stays out late on the weekends but never brings the party back home, is that a deal breaker?” she asked. “If he doesn’t treat you poorly and you trust him when he’s out, and it’s not causing any problems per say; he just enjoys drinking with his friends—is this a problem?”

I could feel it in my gut that it was—but I had to think for a bit before I realized why: Fundamentally, I value a healthier lifestyle. This is not to say that I don’t enjoy eating junk food, forgoing workouts for Netflix marathons, or drinking wine with friends, but I do place a lot of importance on being physically and mentally fit

To me, that means getting enough sleep, moderating alcohol intake, spending one-on-one time with friends, and taking breaks on the weekends to reset after the work week. It’s important to me that my partner shares those values, or at least respects my need for them enough to shift their own lifestyle a bit to accommodate them. 

Matchmaker Sophy Singer helped me put it into words: “You would like to know from him if he is open and willing to start slowing down to a point that feels more balanced and is indicative of him prioritizing the relationship that you guys are building,” she articulates. “You’re not saying to change overnight, but at some point, the change has to happen. Otherwise, it sounds to me like this lifestyle is not a fit for you long-term.” 

It’s true—I can’t keep up with the current pace of our shared lives forever. I’ve said it many times, though: Caleb is a good man who I can see a future with. He’s also someone who values communication and isn’t one to hold overly firm to his point-of-view when presented with alternative perspectives or thoughts. 

That in itself can be hard to find. I also have to be willing to see the opposing perspective myself: I assume Caleb would love for me to be open to spending more nights out with friends and at social events because it’s a way to share something he enjoys with his partner. This is not a one-sided conversation. 

With that in mind, Singer urged me to consider exactly what I’d like the outcome of our talks to be. The gray area is where we can get tripped up, she suggested. What would be the next steps after a conversation like this? 

For me, this would mean working together toward a common goal of balancing his socially packed life with my slower-paced needs before we have children. From the beginning, we’ve discussed our mutual dream of having a family, and it’s important to him to be present for our future kids. As we move forward, I want to hear him out on ways I can support him so he doesn’t feel like he’s losing relationships with friends or a robust social life—or himself—in pursuit of a joyful family life. 

I’ve compromised my values and needs for someone I loved before, and I don’t want that for myself—or for Caleb. But most couples don’t immediately match up in every way. Instead, they have to intertwine their lives to build a shared day-to-day that satisfies both of them. As Caleb and I have conversations about what we each need, we’ll have to decide how that works for us.

Can we create a mutual vision of what a fulfilling shared lifestyle looks like? How long am I willing to wait to see that vision come to fruition? Those are questions that can only be answered with communication and time. 

Are you wrestling with similar questions in your own relationship? Have you found a way to compromise with a partner whose ideal lifestyle is very different from yours? Drop me an email at [email protected] to share your story.

*Both Maria and Caleb are pseudonyms.


If you’re new to Unhinged, catch up on all the dating chats you’ve missed here and follow along at @monicles and @sandiegomag on Instagram to know when a new article drops each week.

Sign-up now for the Unhinged newsletter launching this month. Get exclusive content, Q&As with Nicolle, and subscriber-only meet-ups!

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Unhinged, A Dating Series: Can an Early Bird Date a Night Owl? https://sandiegomagazine.com/everything-sd/love-dating/unhinged-a-dating-series-lifestyle-differences/ Fri, 08 Nov 2024 22:50:50 +0000 https://sandiegomagazine.com/?p=91126 For couples, how important are shared lifestyles and social needs to long-term compatibility?

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This past weekend, my relationship with Caleb* passed the six-month mark. We’re growing closer—and, as we do, it’s getting a bit more challenging to share our experiences in this column. Let me explain.

I promised myself and readers that I’d be open and honest when it comes to writing about my dating life. Over the past few months, I’ve found it helpful to write out the thoughts and questions I’ve had while getting to know Caleb. At some point, though, there came a shift. 

I felt a need to protect what we’re building. My last personal post came out in August. Since then, I’ve wrestled with what to share next. Caleb is the kind of person who makes friends wherever he goes. A personable extrovert, he works in an industry that allows him to travel often and befriend people along the way. I’ve met so many new faces through him. 

His friends read this column, and my crew reads each piece, too—so, you can see where this can start to get tricky. “I’d never ask you to stop writing the column because of me,” Caleb said once. “This is how we met.” He’d also be the first to share how proud he is of this Unhinged community that we’ve built together—you, the readers, and me.

That’s all to say that I’m a little nervous this week as I dig into a topic that we’re still working through as a couple. But conversations with friends have proven that today’s topic is one many couples have had to work through (or are currently wrestling with): How important is it for partners to share the same lifestyle and social needs?

I love getting into bed at 9 p.m. every night, and while I used to head into the Gaslamp decked out in heels and tiny dresses in my 20s and early 30s, those days are long behind me. I prefer daytime drinks now, and even then, I can only handle a few (hangovers are two-day affairs). A perfect weekend day for me involves sunshine, a workout, tons of great food, and time to socially unwind from the week.

Caleb, on the other hand, has been a roadie for touring bands for the last 15 years, working his way up from loading and unloading equipment to directing concert video. You know those massive LED screens that project the concert for the whole arena to see? He’s the one behind the scenes, deciding when each camera’s shots get mixed into the main feed. He’s used to being up late, doesn’t have a standard work schedule, and only gets to see friends when he’s home for a few days at a time. So, he likes to make the most of his time at home in San Diego.

Sometimes, that looks like late nights drinking with his friends, watching football indoors all day on Sundays, and keeping a jam-packed schedule of events on the weekends. Neither lifestyle is right or wrong. They’re just different.

We had the big conversations early on in our relationship—marriage, kids, religion, whether we both planned to stay in San Diego—and we aligned on most of these things, which is why we chose to keep seeing each other. What I didn’t expect, though, was how often our lifestyles and social needs would come into play in the day-to-day. Maybe that was naïve of me—but it’s never really been an issue in previous relationships. 

Lately, my social calendar has been packed with birthday parties, trips, weddings, and weekend activities, mostly with his group of friends. It’s been fun and exciting, and his buddies have welcomed me in so kindly and graciously. But introverts need to recharge. My social battery feels more drained than ever, and I wonder how long I can keep going without the downtime I need to regroup each week.

Caleb is asking himself similar questions. As an extrovert who loves his circle, can he be with someone who may need to skip out on social events occasionally, or someone who asks to leave parties early when he’s still enjoying his time out?

We haven’t figured it out yet. But it’s there, this lingering question. As I sat down to write this week, I asked my colleague and SDM Associate Editor Amelia Rodriguez for her thoughts on the subject.

She’s been with her partner for two years. They moved in together about a year ago and are excited to get engaged sometime soon. In the past, Amelia has dated women with very different lifestyles and social needs from her own. She considers herself an extrovert, though she values sleep and taking time to reset, and she isn’t much of a drinker or partier. 

“I think vastly different social needs were a big part of why several of my previous relationships didn’t work out. I hated feeling cooped up inside with more introverted partners, but when I went in the opposite direction and dated an outgoing bartender, I rarely saw them—they couldn’t do early mornings, I couldn’t do late nights,” she says. “Another more extroverted fling drank… a lot. I couldn’t match her energy, and the fact that her drinking made her forget details of our dates that I remembered left me feeling lonely and sad.”

When she first met her now-partner, they didn’t have much in common when it came to shared hobbies or interests. Amelia likes art museums, poetry readings, and ice cream shops. Her lactose-intolerant girlfriend, on the other hand, was into soccer games, breweries, and camping. 

“But we shared a similar love for being out in the community, and as we introduced one another to our favorite things, it became clear that doing something together was more important than what the thing was (though she still hasn’t managed to get me to camp),” she says. “Some couples I know are really comfortable having fairly separate social lives and different lifestyles, but that wouldn’t work for me, personally. Of course, we spend time apart—alone at home or with our own friends—but the fact that, pretty much every weekend, we’re excited to plan something interesting to do together makes the occasional ‘you go; I’m too tired’ no big deal.”

This all makes sense to me, though it does still leave me with questions. For one, a good man is hard to find (at least in my own experience), so I’m worried that I’m overthinking our lifestyle differences. Caleb has so many qualities that I want in a husband. Is it a deal-breaker if his life never slows down? Would I be okay having a big portion of our lives be separate in order to make sure we both feel happy and fulfilled while together?

In the next column, I’ll be chatting with others and enlisting the help of relationship coaches, therapists, and experts in dating to find out what they can share about this topic. And I want to hear from readers. Do you and your longtime partner have different social needs? If you’ve dealt with these same questions, drop me an email at [email protected] and let me know how it’s played out in your life.

*Caleb is a pseudonym.


If you’re new to Unhinged, catch up on all the dating chats you’ve missed here and follow along at @monicles and @sandiegomag on Instagram to know when a new article drops each week.

Sign-up now for the Unhinged newsletter launching this month. Get exclusive content, Q&As with Nicolle, and subscriber-only meet-ups!

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Unhinged, A Dating Series: What Sober Dating Taught Me https://sandiegomagazine.com/everything-sd/unhinged-a-dating-series-what-sober-dating-taught-me/ Fri, 11 Oct 2024 21:43:03 +0000 https://sandiegomagazine.com/?p=88981 A glass of wine can quell our anxieties—or silence the voice in our heads telling us what's right for us

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SDM staff writer and guest author Danielle Allaire takes over the column this week.


One night, at a bar in South Park, I saw a tall, indie-rock Viking sporting a canvas tote bag and decided that this progressive-leaning, vinyl-collecting man was going to be mine. Within minutes, he introduced himself with a pint in hand. We chatted, and Chris (not his real name) offered to buy me another drink. After some flirting and a few more beers, midnight rolled around, and we left together.

At his house, he put on Michael Jackson, and we danced. Chris poured me another glass of wine. As we edged toward the bed, something shifted in his eyes. Suddenly, all six feet, three inches of him slammed to the floor, his limbs splayed on the hardwood. The booze had won out. 

I wanted to put him to bed and “girlfriend” him, but I knew it was time to leave instead. I helped him up, called a car, and tip-toed out. I was embarrassed—for me and for him. I wish I could have gotten to know who he really was before the six pack kicked in. Maybe if we’d gone on a hike instead of drinking at a bar, he could have been the one.

Recently, SDM editor and Unhinged columnist Nicolle Monico wrote that in 2025, daters will be leaning toward dry dates over the typical bar meetups. As a 40-something-year-old, full-time writer seeking a long-term partnership, I enjoy a calming glass of wine on first dates. But after many failed “wet” dates, this trend had me curious about what it’s like to forgo that crutch of social lubrication. 

If I’m being honest, alcohol has always been there to get me through life. I grew up in a restaurant family and drinking was ubiquitous. To this day, my mom’s first suggestion when I’m feeling down is that I grab a G&T. Since my 20s, I have relied on alcohol to ease me into potentially awkward social situations. I joke that I’m great on first dates because I’m witty and gregarious, but it’s probably just the Chardonnay talking—and who knows if I’m as charming as I think I am? 

Alcohol helps quell my anxiety about so many things: Will he think I’m smart? What if I’m not pretty enough? What if I chose the wrong outfit? Will he notice that I’ve gained 15 pounds since that last profile pic was taken? I’m terrified that I won’t be understood and ultimately rejected— just for being myself. I’ve always squashed these racing thoughts with a glass of something rather than dealing with my own rejection sensitivity, or even being open to the possibility that no one is judging me half as hard as I am judging myself.

To challenge myself, I decided to go on a slew of non-drinking dates: bowling, the beach, coffee, Mexican food sans margaritas. Sometimes I asked if we could keep things dry; other times, I just stuck to water as my date sipped on something boozy. Taking away my liquid security blanket was a shock to the senses. I felt far more self-conscious than when I was drinking. I had to do breathing exercises before every date to calm my nervous system, which would normally be soothed by something stronger.

On the bowling date in El Cajon, the scent of IPAs wafting in the distance, I bonded with a professional ice skater over his recent heartbreak and our shared experiences of being the one left behind. The activity and faux-competitiveness of the date distracted me from the need to drink, but once the conversation kicked in, I felt like I overcompensated by oversharing and getting straight to the deep stuff. Thankfully, he welcomed it, and I felt a weird sense of safety. It was refreshing to talk about relationships and not sex, as alcohol has a way of guiding the conversation in that direction.

On my next date, I shared sushi in Mission Beach with a man who recently divorced his best friend and partner of 20 years, only to pick up a penchant for shibari. Then came enchiladas and a conversation about polyamory with a man who loves Porches. My last sober date was, ironically, at a dive bar with an actual sober guy. 

We played our favorite songs on the jukebox and drank ginger beers, bonding over shared music tastes and mental health diagnoses. I’m not sure I would have divulged that sensitive information had I been drinking. My date was honest with me about why he made the decision to become sober. This confession made me want to offer up something about myself to match his vulnerability. It turns out we have a lot more in common than just loving Bikini Kill.

None of these dates ended with anything physical, not even a peck on the cheek. With alcohol, I definitely would have been persuaded to take things further, even on a first date. Staying dry kept me grounded in my boundaries—I wanted to save the physical connection for when I knew there was an emotional one. 

None of these dates provided the drama and danger of a lushy meet-cute, but I did feel more comfortable in my own skin the more I did it. Instead of being in my head about what the other person thought about me, I was better equipped to make decisions based on what I thought of them, rather than seeking their approval. 

What stood out to me is my own reliance on alcohol to make me feel worthy of love. The fact that I don’t think I’m enough without a little liquid encouragement broke my heart. I drink to have fun and to feel like an elevated version of myself. But why can’t I be that person on my own? It made me reflect on my own relationship with alcohol, which I’ll continue to think about. Did this experiment make me want to go sober? No. But it did make me want to love and trust myself more deeply, without an ABV.

Though none of my dry dates led to a second, I was able to make better judgments on these potential partners and stick to my own values and boundaries, which always seem to disintegrate after a few glasses of natty wine. I felt sure about my decisions (do I send a follow-up text? Do I ghost?). There was no gray area in my gray matter, which can so often be clouded by a drink.

I’ll probably still make some mistakes in dark bars, but adding more dry dates to my journey could be the difference between meeting a guy for now and a guy for forever. At the very least, it’ll make for some good memories… and a healthier liver.  


If you’re new to Unhinged, catch up on all the dating chats you’ve missed here and follow along at @monicles and @sandiegomag on Instagram to know when a new article drops each week.

Sign-up now for the Unhinged newsletter for exclusive content, Q&As with Nicolle, and subscriber-only meet-ups!

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Unhinged, A Dating Series: Consensual Non-Monogamy https://sandiegomagazine.com/everything-sd/unhinged-dating-column-polyamory/ Fri, 30 Aug 2024 14:00:00 +0000 https://sandiegomagazine.com/?p=86115 No matter your dating preferences, polyamory can offer valuable lessons on how to date and love others well

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“Alex is my husband and Zac is our boyfriend,” says local Jess Parker, who calls his relationship orientation “polyfidelity,” a form of consensual non-monogamy. The 36-year-old met his husband 10 years ago. Twelve months ago, they added a third  to their relationship. 

Broadly, polyamory is the consensual practice of engaging in multiple romantic relationships—but it takes many forms. Parker and his partners have chosen closed throupledom: All three of them are sexually and romantically involved with each other, and they don’t date outside of their threesome.

“While we believe that love isn’t finite and there’s so much out there, you only have so much time and so much energy that you can give to others,” Parker says. “We kind of joke around that we’re at our bandwidth limit; we don’t have anymore for anyone else.”

Admittedly, I had some preconceived notions about non-monogamy: Is it for people who don’t want to commit? Does it only work if you never get jealous? But during my conversation with Parker, it quickly became clear that everyone in a relationship—monogamous or not—could learn something from the tenets of polyamory.

While the concept of non-monogamy isn’t new, it seems as though, in recent years, attention to—and interest in—polyamory has reached a fever pitch. Slate even went so far as to call it mainstream, citing Peacock’s new show Couple to Throuple as an example of how far we’ve come. 

That might be an overstatement—in 2021, researcher Rhonda Balzarini told Psychology Today that “anywhere between 26 to 43 percent of individuals who practice [consensual non-monogamy] report experiences of stigma and discrimination”—but, at the very least, recent data shows a shift in perspective is happening. 

According to 2024 stats compiled by SexualAlpha, 31 percent of Millennials consider themselves to be in a non-monogamous relationship. In 2021, Frontiers in Psychology found that one in nine Americans engaged in polyamory at some point in their lifetime

Slate looked at various studies to conclude that “two or three percent of all American adults are, by agreement, not strictly monogamous … [which] works out to millions of people—similar to the prevalence of peanut allergies.”

In February of this year, Ana Kirova, CEO of sex-positive dating app Feeld, told Axios that the pandemic may have driven individuals’ interest in non-monogamy. Lockdowns gave people time to think about their sexual identities and desires, she suggests. And the data backs her up: According to Kirova, Feeld has seen “a 500 [percent] increase over the last three years in the number of app users including the terms ‘ethically non-monogamous’ and ‘polyamorous’ in their profiles.” 

But some people, like Parker’s husband, Alex Aragon, have practiced polyamory for much longer. Aragon was in a five-year marriage with a man and a woman before moving to Salt Lake City, Utah, and meeting a then-26-year-old Parker. “I was still a closeted Mormon kid. He made the first move and asked me out,” Parker says. “We ended up dating. He was one of the first major relationships I had, and he helped me come out of the closet.”

Aragon was the first to bring up polyamory. Parker says the concept wasn’t completely foreign to him, since he’d grown up in the Mormon faith, in which polygamy was once common. Three years into their relationship, they started seeing other people and eventually moved to San Diego.

“When the two of us started dating polyamorously, there definitely was messiness. It was a lot harder, just because you don’t know how to react to things,” Parker says. “But as time went on, there were lessons learned; your own boundaries start being understood more.”

Every new relationship involves a learning period, where you’re figuring out how your partner wants to be loved and how that differs from past partners. In polyamory, that’s amplified, and practitioners have more practice than most at letting go of limiting ideas about how relationships can and should look. 

“Each individual that came in and dated us was different, and they would each have unique things that we would have to learn with them [and] go through disagreements,” Parker says.  “When you have two different people that have different preferences and different love languages … it’s so important to focus sometimes on how your partner needs to be loved rather than how you like to love other people.” 

Making it work requires a powerful level of communication and honesty: constant check-ins, early discussions of boundaries, and the willingness to voice desires and fears. 

“Some of that wisdom could be applied to every other relationship,” says Dr. Marie Thouin, a dating and relationship coach and expert in non-monogamy. “I think everyone should import some of the wisdom from non-monogamous communities, including compersion—the idea that love is not about controlling one another, but it’s about empowering one another to be our fullest self.”

Successful polyamory involves creating a safe space for everyone involved to explore their boundaries, feelings, and thoughts—including those about safety. In cases where two people are primary partners but have opened their relationship to include others, for example, “They may have an agreement that says, ‘Okay, we don’t wear condoms or barriers with each other, but every time we have sex with someone else, we wear a condom and maybe we get tested every two months,” Dr. Thouin says. Then, they’ll share their results with everyone they’re sleeping with, no matter what.

This stands in stark contrast to the myth that non-monogamous people are uninterested in commitment. In fact, they spend a lot of time cultivating and maintaining the connections in their life and learning other people’s needs.

They’re also not supremely evolved beings who’ve magically removed the jealousy gene. “When jealousy and insecurities come up, the idea is not to eradicate [them], because that’s impossible to do,” Dr. Thouin says. “Non-monogamous people know that. They reassure each other.”

The takeaway for my own monogamous relationship? Communication is key. I want to create a space for my boyfriend to share when he’s feeling insecure or unseen. I also need to work on expressing myself more instead of shutting down—a trait I’ve picked up over the years due to fear of others getting upset with me. 

I’ve heard from friends who have used Feeld that it’s refreshing to speak with its members because of how open and upfront they are about their wants, needs, and desires. Better communication right away could ease the process of meeting someone who shares your values and weeding out those who may not be a fit. 

What about you? Have you ever explored consensual non-monogamy? Would you? Let me know your thoughts in an email at [email protected].

Lastly, thanks to all who came out for our first singles mixer to celebrate six months of the column. After this week, we’ll be moving to a bi-monthly schedule—catch a new article back here on Friday, September 13.


If you’re new to Unhinged, catch up on all the dating chats you’ve missed here and follow along at @monicles and @sandiegomag on Instagram to know when a new article drops each week.

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Unhinged, A Dating Series: The Fear of Losing Yourself to Love https://sandiegomagazine.com/everything-sd/love-dating/unhinged-fear-of-losing-yourself-to-love/ Fri, 23 Aug 2024 14:00:00 +0000 https://sandiegomagazine.com/?p=85811 Guest columnist and staff writer Danielle Allaire shares how a singles mixer led to an unexpected connection and some personal revelations on commitment

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I had nothing to wear. So, I went out and bought something special for 10 and 10 Club’s first singles event, designed to bring together 10 men and 10 women for a night of “guided convos and games.” Local real estate agent and hospitality veteran Cara Bowman started the club mainly because of a single friend. “I think everyone’s frustrated with the apps,” Bowman says. 

And the evidence is more than anecdotal—according to a Forbes Health survey this year, 78 percent of respondents reported experiencing dating fatigue “sometimes, often, or always.” That’s a pretty large number of burnt-out people when you consider that around 60 million people in the United States are using or have used online dating services

As a 42-year-old woman, this feeling has resonated with me for some time. Single millennials are essentially aging out of the “fun zone” of dating and are now carrying more relationship baggage than in our 20s—me included.

But tonight was about holding onto hope and not letting the numbers affect my evening. My outfit was a little black number that was equal parts baby doll and ’90s slip dress. I paired it with frilly ankle socks and mules. I felt cute. 

It has been three-and-a-half years since I’ve dated anyone, let alone felt attracted to someone. In that time, I’ve worked on myself and my career to become a more confident person and a better partner for someone someday. I was finally feeling ready to get back into the dating world, and the 10 and 10 Club seemed like the easiest way to get my feet wet.

When I arrived, I was greeted with an excellent soundtrack, a cheeseboard, and some social lubrication (thank god for Champagne) and started mingling for the first 30 minutes. During the night, we coursed through each of the three tables to ensure that everyone had the chance to meet. At these tables, we could ask each other questions from a printed list or play games such as flip cup. 

The questions varied from mirthful to deep. My group chose to ask questions—our red Solo cup skills were pretty feeble, but our vulnerability game was on point. Well, everyone’s but mine.

I play things close to the chest. I’ve never been in a committed relationship, though I’ve experienced plenty of situationships and have been intimate with men I’ve found attractive along the way. So, when talk of “deal breakers” and “most romantic gestures” enters conversations, I tend to clam up. I feel like I have nothing to offer and don’t want to run the risk of looking stupid or inexperienced. 

To a prospective suitor who wants something serious, I must look like a walking red flag. Why hasn’t anyone chosen her? What’s really wrong with her?

Despite my best efforts at sharing bits of myself and answering questions like What’s your worst injury? (falling off a bike in Germany hours into a hook-up vacation) and What would you change about society? (continue the trend of honoring mental health awareness), I didn’t make any connections with any of the men. 

To be fair, no one was my type, so I didn’t engage with as much enthusiasm as I should have. In general, the crowd was attractive and well-adjusted, with interesting careers, insights, and the ability to crack jokes. This is not always the case with these types of mixers, so it was a nice surprise. By the end of the evening, some couples were even pairing off for deeper chats.

Before we parted ways, all participants received an envelope with notes from members of the group—anyone of the same sex interested in fostering a friendship or from the opposite sex looking for your digits. I got one. From the host of the event. I couldn’t help but feel like the chaperone was taking pity on the girl who didn’t get asked to dance. It’s uncomfortable enough trying to put yourself outside of a very cozy comfort zone only to be mocked by a lack of interest literally on paper. To be fair, other women and men got notes. Just not me. Perhaps the note passing is a humble lesson in, “You get what you put into it.”

But I forged on with my night and met up with some friends at a local karaoke bar. I approached a woman who sang Otis Redding’s “(Sittin’ On) The Dock of the Bay.” She was petite and friendly. She mentioned going somewhere else.

“Do you want to come?” she asked.

“Sure!” I replied, fortified by male rejection and a very strong Jell-O shot.

My friends tapered off. She and I walked alone to the next bar. We chatted about her tattoos and who we knew in the neighborhood. She drank a Dirty Shirley with two cherries. 

We swayed on the dance floor to late-’70s no-wave bands. She inched closer, our hips attached, and she made her move. She kissed me, and I kissed her back. I knew people at the bar but couldn’t be bothered to care about them seeing. Kissing her felt nice and consequence-free—a low-stakes way to satisfy a long-standing curiosity. After the music died down and the lights came up, we moved it to my car for another make-out session, but that’s as far as it went. We exchanged Instagrams and I let her know that I got home safe. We haven’t talked to each other since. 

I don’t take that as rejection. We had what we had. 

What that night taught me is that maybe I’m not ready for something serious. And, quite frankly, that scares me. I denied a group of 10 eligible men who want a relationship for a random, cute woman with whom I know I have no future. Have I been unwittingly indoctrinated by my situationships to only be comfortable with a casual, surface-level hang? I know that, deep down, I want a serious relationship with a male partner. 

Ultimately, though, I’m scared of being singular—not single. I’m scared that I don’t have enough to offer another person, that I’m vapid and uninteresting and the one person who is undateable and unloveable. 

I’m afraid of being judged for who I am. Despite the many charming details of my personality, I’m afraid that no one will love my shadow qualities, from mental health issues to sloppiness and fiscal irresponsibility. I’m a 42-year-old relationship virgin without an Amex, who, more often than not, buys new underwear instead of doing laundry and still fantasizes about starting a band. 

Maybe I’ve been single for so long that the idea of committing to another person is what scares me even more. What really frightens me is that maybe I’ll lose my independence and the identity I’ve cultivated while learning about myself as a single person. I don’t want to have to calm my quirks for someone else, because I fiercely love those parts of myself. 

For anyone else in this position, maybe acknowledging that is the first step to understanding where to go from here. After all, calling out those fears may mean we’re finally ready to address them. As for today, do I see myself dating women in the future? No, I don’t. Did I have fun? Why, yes, I did. 


If you’re new to Unhinged, catch up on all the dating chats you’ve missed here and follow along at @monicles and @sandiegomag on Instagram to know when a new article drops each week.

Sign-up now for the Unhinged newsletter for exclusive content, Q&As with Nicolle, and subscriber-only meet-ups!

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Unhinged, A Dating Series: Pain, Shame, & Redemption https://sandiegomagazine.com/everything-sd/love-dating/unhinged-series-pain-shame-redemption/ Fri, 16 Aug 2024 14:00:00 +0000 https://sandiegomagazine.com/?p=85319 Columnist Nicolle Monico reflects on a toxic relationship—and the wonder of finding something so much better

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There’s a scene from Vanderpump Rules that lives rent-free in my head. When I first watched it, memories from a past relationship flooded my mind. Feelings of pain and shame washed over me. 

Over the course of the first two seasons, viewers watched as cast members Stassi Schroeder and Jax Taylor’s toxic relationship went through its ups and downs. Cheating. Screaming matches. Anxiety. It was hard to watch, but at the same time, it felt very familiar to me.

By season seven, Stassi had met her now-husband Beau Clark. While the two were still in the dating phase, Stassi confronted her friend and fellow castmate Kristen Doute, who was embroiled in a toxic partnership of her own. 

“I learned now that you don’t have to be screamed at ever. Like, you don’t,” Stassi told Kristen. “You can be in a relationship where somebody loves you and wants to be around you and is happy all the time to be around you and lifts you up and supports you and doesn’t demand that you pay for everything and doesn’t demand that you take care of everything. There is a relationship out there for you that you deserve.”

@mommamia_3.0 Send this to the person you know needs to hear it. It does exist and you deserve it #loveexists #vanderpumprules #stassischroeder #relatable #relationshipadvice #relationshipgoals #relationship ♬ original sound – Mia Marie 👑

If you’ve never been in an incredibly unhealthy situation, this may seem so obvious to you. But for those of us who have loved someone so much that we’ve overlooked the glaring red flags, those of us who’ve struggled with self-worth, her words were a gut punch. 

Even at the time, I knew that what was happening in one of my past relationships was not okay. I knew that being called a c*nt when he was upset was wrong. That I should’ve walked out the door when he threw a beer can in my direction during a heated argument. Instead, I stayed and told myself that we had our problems, just like any other couple.

Stassi could have been talking to me, but back then, I wouldn’t have listened. 

I consider myself a pretty strong person. As an only child with immigrant parents, I had to navigate a lot of the intricacies of life in the US on my own—homework, financial aid, college applications. The experience made me more independent than many of my friends whose parents and siblings had figured all this out before. 

My parents have always been a huge support in my life, but there are things that only first-gen children will understand about learning to stick up for yourself and fighting for what you want. 

Love is a powerful thing, though. It can make us strangers to ourselves. I never thought I could fall into the type of relationship that would leave me broken and ashamed, making excuses for a man who treated me cruelly. 

“Why did you stay with him?” I often get asked. “Didn’t your friends tell you he wasn’t good for you?” 

How long do you have? I want to reply.

The answer isn’t simple. An uncountable number of psychologists, writers, and experts have attempted to explain why these unhealthy dynamics are so hard to escape. For some, it comes down to the fact that the unknown is scarier than the known.

“When given the option, most people will opt for the option that is most familiar, even if it is uncomfortable,” Sarah Epstein, LMFT explains in Psychology Today. “In relationships, familiar discomfort may be preferable to the unknown of being alone or in a different relationship. Some have a pattern of entering unhealthy relationships repeatedly, finding the familiar pain of similar dynamics comfortable and predictable, if not happy.”

What this all proves is that finding yourself stuck in a toxic relationship isn’t just relegated to the weak. You’re not alone if your love for someone makes it seem impossible to leave them. It’s not as black and white as those around you will make you feel. I also know that until you’re ready, you’re not going to say goodbye. After all, I’ve been in your shoes.

After my ex and I finally called it quits for good, I spent a lot of time single, working on healing and coming back to myself. Still, when I started dating Caleb (not his real name), I spent the first few months of our relationship fighting the internal dialogue telling me that if he wasn’t making me work for his affection, then it wasn’t real. Honestly, I still have to battle the subconscious urge to pick a fight just to feel those familiar highs and lows.

I’m sure I’ve been tough to date. I’ve mentioned breaking up twice, a knee-jerk reaction intended to protect myself from the heartache that I’m certain will come, since it always has in the past. Caleb was hurt and confused. 

Good, healthy relationships don’t work that way. I’m learning. 

What’s been a constant in our relationship, however, is a feeling of safety. He’s patient, kind, and affectionate. “I will wait for you to grow out of the circumstances you were in before me, because I see who you really are,” he once said. “It’s coming through in patches, and I can’t wait to get the full thing.” 

I share all this not to say, “I did it; I found someone—you can too!” but because I sincerely didn’t believe Stassi’s words until now. But if this is resonating with you, I want you to know: She’s right. 

Over the years, plenty of people became exhausted with my ex and me. I understood their frustrations. But if a person hasn’t gone through something like this before, they may not understand why their well-meaning advice doesn’t lead to a breakthrough. They haven’t experienced the intensity of a toxic dynamic, the way its rollercoaster emotions keep you frozen in place. They don’t really get it.

I do, though. I get it. It’s f*cking hard to choose being single again above being with someone who kind of, maybe, sorta is sometimes nice to you. It took me years to fully accept that there is a world in which you can date someone who behaves as though they’re the luckiest person to be with you. They won’t need to yell at you to resolve arguments. Won’t call you names while you cry in their car.

I don’t think one article from a stranger is going to convince you that there is something better out there for you, but maybe it’ll add to a list of reasons you’re mentally collecting to someday walk away. Even once you do, it’s going to be a tough road to healing, but take it from someone who sincerely didn’t think this kind of relationship was even possible: It is.

For the first time in a long time, I feel like I can finally exhale. That’s a good feeling.


If you’re new to Unhinged, catch up on all the dating chats you’ve missed here and follow along at @monicles and @sandiegomag on Instagram to know when a new article drops each week.

Sign-up now for the Unhinged newsletter for exclusive content, Q&As with Nicolle, and subscriber-only meet-ups!

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Unhinged, A Dating Series: Love & Ambition https://sandiegomagazine.com/everything-sd/love-dating/unhinged-a-dating-series-love-and-ambition/ Fri, 26 Jul 2024 14:00:00 +0000 https://sandiegomagazine.com/?p=83584 Does being a successful career woman really hurt your dating prospects—or is men “marrying down” a myth?

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There are days when I look around at my single girlfriends and wonder how they haven’t been snatched up yet. They’re beautiful, funny, and smart, with successful, high-paying careers. Some even own businesses. For a number of them, all they’re missing is someone to share it with—but, despite how awesome they are, that can be hard to find. 

Something doesn’t add up. And I’d like answers.

Recently, I chatted with 39-year-old local Alex Sabbag about dating in San Diego. She hit on something that has come up in a few conversations I’ve had lately: Being an accomplished woman who also makes good money sometimes seems to make dating more difficult.

Early in her career, Sabbag established herself as a hard-working employee, which helped her quickly climb the ladder as a young professional. She went on to become an entrepreneur at 25 and moved to San Diego in 2020 at the age of 35.

“I was working as the chief marketing officer for an insurance technology company at the time and was the first hire,” Sabbag says. “I helped build the brand, built the story, built the team, and then a month after, I bought [my home] in Solana Beach.”

Today, she splits her time between Solana Beach and Palm Springs, where she runs her own yoga practice on the weekends. She also recently added “author” to her accolades and is touring the country with her new book. 

Sabbag is ambitious, intelligent, and confident—it’s immediately clear in how she speaks and how she has moved through her career. But she feels that it may be these same qualities that have kept her from finding a long-term partner.

“Women with drive and independence and big careers have no problem dropping right into their masculine energy, but it can kill a relationship so fast,” Sabbag says. “I’m [also] 5-foot-10 and taller than most [men]. I have owned beautiful homes. I don’t need [men]—I just want them.”

It’s the latter point that I find the most compelling. Men are an added bonus to the life she created for herself, not a necessity for a fulfilling future. Are men turned off by this energy because they want to feel needed?

Sabbag sees men’s disinterest in powerful women as a reflection of their own self-confidence and self-worth. It’d be easy to blame men here, though, and say that they are intimidated by strong, financially independent women—but that explanation seems too simple. 

Single parent and 39-year-old local Leigh Ann Wilson separated from her husband in August of 2022 and jumped back into the dating pool last year. “I’m in a whole different ball game,” she says. “I don’t think I was prepared mentally for these new worlds. I find it fascinating and hysterical and exhausting.”

Recently, she matched with a man on an app and began dating him. Two months in, she was beginning to picture their next chapter—when he suddenly cut all communication. No text, no call… nothing. 

Wilson was more confused than sad. “I’m in a place where I have my children, I’ve been married, I own my home, I have a good career,” Wilson says. “I’ll meet someone and it’s like, Do I intimidate you? Am I bringing out an insecurity in you that now you can’t handle?

Psychology Today author Diana Kirschner Ph.D. points to studies that suggest men’s preference for marrying “down” is made up—though the rule of homogamy applies. The rule states that people marry partners who share similar values, religious views, attitudes, and yes, educational achievements.

This would stand to reason that more educated men prefer women who have the same level of schooling. So… men aren’t intimidated by high-achieving women? 

Torn between the anecdotal evidence and the science, I queried my male friends to hear their thoughts. All of them thought that it was a myth that men shy away from dating successful women. All said they have dated partners with titles above their own.

None of them, however, have ever actually been in a relationship with a woman who earned a higher salary than them.

“I’ve always welcomed it, but it’s only ever been in theory, which is unfortunate,” says my friend and 43-year-old Obecian Nate Miller. “To me, it seems like it can help a relationship be more in balance. There’s no weird power dynamic if your pay is nearly equal.” 

My boyfriend Caleb* tells me that my career goals and ambition were some of the things that initially attracted him to me. He, like the other men, says that he can’t see a woman’s success being a big issue with modern-day couples—though it may have been for our parent’s generation.

Millennials have slowly shifted the romantic script. According to Bureau of Labor Statistics data, there are more women in the workforce than ever before. Powerful career women are becoming the norm rather than the exception. 

Of course, Sabbag and Wilson’s experiences suggest that some men aren’t ready for the change—but all that means is that they haven’t yet found the right guy, one who will appreciate and celebrate their confidence and ambition.

What about you? As a woman, have you felt that men tend to consciously or subconsciously dismiss a future with you if you make more money or have a high-ranking title? Men, have you ever dated a woman above your financial status? Shoot me an email at [email protected] and let me know.

*The name Caleb is a pseudonym


If you’re new to Unhinged, catch up on all the dating chats you’ve missed here and follow along at @monicles and @sandiegomag on Instagram to know when a new article drops each week.

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Unhinged, A Dating Series: No Time to Wait https://sandiegomagazine.com/everything-sd/love-dating/unhinged-a-dating-series-no-time-to-wait/ Fri, 19 Jul 2024 14:00:00 +0000 https://sandiegomagazine.com/?p=83094 Dating at an older age can sometimes put pressure on couples to shorten their timeline toward marriage and kids

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It was shortly after the seafood tower landed on the table at Fort Oak that Caleb (not his real name) got quiet and started to tell me what I meant to him. Tossing Tabasco and mignonette sauce onto my oysters, I listened as his voice turned serious.

“I wanted to ask about your timeline, because I know that you want children, and I know it gets harder past a certain age,” Caleb began. “I know it’s still early for us, but it’s probably a good idea to talk about this stuff now.”

I had barely decided what I wanted for an entrée, and here he was asking me if I was ready to plan a family with him. He wasn’t wrong for asking, though. I just didn’t feel ready. We had only been dating for two months

Before getting into a relationship, I shared with Caleb my desire to still have kids even though I was 40 when we met. As two older adults whose careers are exactly where we want them to be and whose finances are more secure than when we were in our 20s and 30s, we’re both on the same page as far as next steps in our dating story: Marriage and children.

But that doesn’t mean I necessarily want all of that within a year of meeting him.

According to The Knot’s 2023 Engagement and Jewelry Study, just over 70 percent of the 5,000 couples surveyed got engaged after two years or more of dating. Over half of respondents got engaged somewhere between two to five years of being together. 

If we wait two years, I’ll be 42—and that doesn’t take into account the actual wedding planning and our nuptials. Then, children. The numbers aren’t in my favor.

Browsing online forums, I came across a Reddit thread asking exactly what was on my mind that evening: How long did you date before getting engaged? A plethora of answers filled the comments: seven years, eight months, two years, two months.

“Got engaged on the third date, married nine months later and still going after 38 years,” wrote redditor u/MichiganNailJockey. 

Responders’ reasons for tying the knot not long after getting together varied: they’d known each other a long time before dating, they’d traveled together, the old “when you know, you know.” A few people got engaged earlier than planned because of a pregnancy. But only one person—in their 20s—cited a desire to start a family “by 29/30” as a reason for speeding up their timeline. 

I still feel a little lost. Don’t get me wrong—I’m not questioning whether it’s okay to discuss future wants and needs with a new partner early on. Especially at 35 or older, I think doing so is essential to know whether you should continue dating someone and enter into a long-term relationship.

I’m overwhelmed by the pressures of having to make these decisions so early on with a new partner. This is a very real—and little discussed—issue for a lot of older adults who want a family. I wouldn’t need to know right away if my new boyfriend was my guy or not had we met even five years ago. We could take our time, spend two years together, and then decide on next steps.

I’m not against having a child before marriage, but my ideal first choice is to spend time with my husband on our own before taking care of a little life. It’s hard not to feel like the option to date at my own pace has been taken away from me. And I’m worried about making the wrong decision based on my desire to have a family. 

According to therapists queried by Julia Naftulin for Business Insider, when you first start dating someone, hormonal changes can often confuse people into thinking lust is love. It’s not until the six-month mark when your body begins to return to its baseline. Typically, that’s also the point when  more challenges begin to come up between partners.

“Whether it’s about money, family, habits, or communication styles, couples can only begin to notice these differences with time. In extreme cases, a whirlwind romance can blind a person to red flags and lead to a toxic dynamic,” Naftulin writes.

This is where I find myself: confused on how to move at the right pace for us while also leaving myself time to have the future I envision. What if I say yes to an engagement, marriage, kids—the whole shebang—too early and then realize that we aren’t right for each other? 

As Caleb and I continued to chat over dinner about what a future together could look like, I did find myself grateful that he was willingly having these conversations with me, stating his intentions, and making sure he knows how fast or slow I’d like to take things.

We didn’t come up with a timeline, but I’m working on confirming that our values and life goals align before allowing worries about the proverbial ticking clock to pressure me into coming up with an answer.

For now, I guess, I wait. It may take two more months before I’ll know whether I want to spend my life with this man—or it may take a full year. What I do know is that he is the kind of man any woman would be lucky to marry (especially me), and, at the very least, I’m thankful for that.

What about you? As an adult in your 30s and older, have you felt the pressure to get married or have kids early on in a relationship? How long did you date your current spouse before calling it forever? Email me at [email protected] and share your stories.


If you’re new to Unhinged, catch up on all the dating chats you’ve missed here and follow along at @monicles and @sandiegomag on Instagram to know when a new article drops each week.

Sign-up now for the Unhinged newsletter for exclusive content, Q&As with Nicolle, and subscriber-only meet-ups!

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Unhinged, A Dating Series: Singles Are Ditching Apps for In-Person Events https://sandiegomagazine.com/everything-sd/singles-are-ditching-apps-for-in-person-events/ Fri, 12 Jul 2024 14:00:00 +0000 https://sandiegomagazine.com/?p=82525 As daters prioritize IRL hangouts, event companies and clubs are helping meet demand

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If writing this column each week has taught me anything, it’s that people are ready for a new way to date. A revamped era of modern love. We no longer want to feel like we’re ordering our next partner up as easily as we’re deciding on what to eat off DoorDash. 

So, when I saw that the bio on The Singles Society’s Instagram page declared, “Drop the apps, raise the bar,” I immediately clicked the link below those words. “We’ve created a vibrant community where singles can connect in real life,” reads the group’s homepage. “Our curated and themed events are designed for ambitious singles, ages 25–35, who value genuine connections and quality interactions.”

Brewery meet-ups, bowling tournaments, wine tastings, holiday parties, pickleball events—they’re all part of the formula that has attracted more than 28,000 followers on Instagram. Though the group is not located in San Diego (it’s based in Charlotte, NC), it seems to have latched onto a new trend in the dating scene: in-person group events. 

Courtesy of The Singles Society

Yes, I know speed dating and singles mixers aren’t a new concept, but anyone who has ever tried to get to know a stranger on a 30-second “date” knows how awkward and cringe-worthy those events can be. What’s going on these days feels more intentional—activity-based gatherings intended to casually bring together singles with similar interests. 

It’s a natural progression of a phenomenon that was already gathering steam. “A perfect storm of pandemic-induced loneliness coupled with serious dating-app fatigue has turned the city’s sports leagues, running clubs, and gyms into the hottest places to date in New York,” The Cut reported last week.

The publication adds that some organizations have made matchmaking part of their mission. Hinge recently granted $25,000 to the Brooklyn-based Commonwealth Running Club to help it grow its in-person events.

It seems things have come full circle—we’re ready to meet our partners in real life again

“I think people are craving in-person connections, and we enjoy sporting events. We know that men frequent sporting events and sports bars, so we figured, ‘Let’s go where they already are,’” says Drafted Events co-founder Jillian Pfeiffer. 

I came across Drafted Events on IG recently (and if you’re an Unhinged subscriber, you got the inside scoop a few weeks ago). Pfeiffer and Marlenn Alba co-founded the LA-based group one night after trying to decide where to go out to meet a potential match.

“We’ve both been on the dating apps, and we’re sick of what we were coming across, and of having endless conversations that don’t really lead anywhere,” Pfeiffer says. “That’s how it started.”

dating in san diego, drafted events
Courtesy of Drafted Events

They decided to invite singles to sporting events around the city, helping them interact in a fun and familiar setting without the awkwardness of first-date questions or cumbersome icebreakers. For their first event in April of this year, Pfeiffer and Alba rented out a section at Dodger Stadium on their own dime. About 60 attendees showed up. 

Since then, they’ve held seven events, garnered nearly 15,000 followers between IG and Facebook, and launched their first San Diego meetup on June 22 at the Padres vs. Brewers game. The event had 95 participants at the pregame and 70 men and women continued onto Petco.

“We’re not really a Dodger’s fan base group. We are a sports-centered singles group,” Alba says. “The Padres had a lot of demand, so that’s why we thought of heading down to San Diego. And Jillian actually lived in San Diego for some time.”

Pfeiffer has already seen how successful these events can be amongst singles in their 30s and 40s. “We’ve heard through the DMs that there were definitely some connections that led to first, second, and even third dates,” she says. 

In 2017, a similar idea had begun to take shape in San Diego, but, it wasn’t until December 2023 when the YES app finally launched, with the intention of helping daters “begin with experiences, not swipes.”

Instead of presenting users with a rolodex of potential matches, the app offers singles with a selection of people on a “Discover” page. A key part of each profile is the user’s suggested date—anything from “pickleball and drinks” to “a bike ride in Coronado.” Users can also choose to go on one-on-one dates, double dates, or group dates via the app, helping reduce the anxiety that may come with meeting strangers online.

“Then, you swipe down to get to the next date or the next profile, but it’s not like a yes or no situation such as with Tinder. You can converse from there, but that date is already set,” says YES co-founder Jordan McMurtry. “So you apply to a date and you already know where it is, what it is—time, date, place, and who’s paying.”

According to McMurtry, the app has about 4,500 users and counting. “We really wanted to create an app that you could connect with like-minded individuals in person, no matter the setting,” she adds.

As part of that mission, the YES app throws singles meetups across the city every month. Earlier this week, the YES team collaborated with adult athletics league Volo Sports to host a cocktail tasting at Techo Beso. The Gaslamp Quarter hotel bar is also the setting for the app’s sold-out pool party on July 13

If you didn’t get tickets, don’t worry, Drafted Events will put on their second SD meetup on July 31 in partnership with San Diego FC. So check their socials for updates if sports and cute people are your thing.

Something tells me that we’re looking at a new era in dating. I think we’re hungry for connection and eager to figure out how to move past the transactional nature of dating apps. I expect we’ll see more and more social groups catering to singles in cool, unique ways. As I come across these groups and check them out, I’ll be including them in my newsletter. Happy dating!


If you’re new to Unhinged, catch up on all the dating chats you’ve missed here and follow along at @monicles and @sandiegomag on Instagram to know when a new article drops each week.

Sign-up now for the Unhinged newsletter for exclusive content, Q&As with Nicolle, and subscriber-only meet-ups!

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The post Unhinged, A Dating Series: Singles Are Ditching Apps for In-Person Events appeared first on San Diego Magazine.

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