And then, I looked up. Six-foot-three, wearing a flat-brimmed hat and large grin—my five-one self was suddenly glad that I became a rock climber during the pandemic. Within minutes we were chatting and flirting. His hand began to graze my lower back as he spoke. 

And then we kissed. 

Smooching in bars at 40 isn’t my idea of romance, but if you make it to the top of the Empire State Building, you don’t miss out on the view.

At the other end of the bar, in a fun twist, my ex John was shooting his own shot with multiple women. There are some days that seem more scripted than others. Maybe I really am living in a rom com—or at least a comedy. Most days the rom feels elusive.

Ryan got my number and texted me the next day, but I didn’t hear from him again until three days later, when I reached out. The Lion’s Share in downtown was throwing an anniversary party, so I asked him to be my plus-one.

He was wishy-washy about his answer up until the event started. He agreed to show up a little late. This was the first time something inside me wondered if he was the commitment type, but it was still early.

I got butterflies when he arrived. He was immediately affectionate, stroking my back and complimenting my outfit. We kissed on barstools in a dark corner later that night as we sipped on tequila sodas and beer.

As we chatted over the next couple of days, I let him know that I didn’t want to be the only one asking the other person to hang, but still, I invited him to watch the Super Bowl with my friends and me. He said he’d let me know. 

When he didn’t show and instead asked if I wanted to come by afterwards, I declined, feeling that sense women get when a guy only asks to hang late at night.

A few weeks after meeting Ryan, my matchmaker set up my first date with a pre-vetted person: Connor. He’s 44. A lawyer. He goes to therapy. He’s active and an avid traveler. He wants a family and loves pupusas (the food of my Salvadorian roots).

On paper he seemed like a catch.

My matchmaker let me know we’d be meeting at Stone Brewing in Liberty Station and gave me his number the day-of. First dates are always a little nerve-wracking, but meeting a complete stranger (save for three mediocre photos and a quick bio) was a bit less intimidating.

When he walked up, my initial reaction was that he was attractive, though not exactly my type. But Connor surprised me. I didn’t feel the same butterflies as I did with Ryan and we didn’t have the same flirtatious banter, but we had more meaningful conversations.

Connor showed up as a man—meaning, he didn’t seem like many of the young guys I had dated before. He spoke with self-awareness, shared his points of view while listening to mine, and asked me enough questions that I felt like it was a conversation and not a one-sided interview. 

We also shared personal family stories. I opened up about private things that I would never share on a first date—stuff I’d usually withhold until we’re closer to relationship status. He told me about his family dynamics. Conversations like this could be uncomfortable for some this early on, but I appreciated that he laid it out for me and allowed me to decide what to do with it. There was no hiding for either of us.

After the date ended, he walked me to my car, we hugged, and I went home. I don’t think my insides were doing somersaults, but I do think meeting someone who has worked on themselves, knows their value, and possesses emotional intelligence is becoming harder to find these days—at least in my own dating life. It was refreshing.

He texted me before we went to bed, thanking me for hanging out. He also brought up an awkward moment that had occurred during the date and addressed it so that it didn’t linger longer than that evening. 

Connor asked me to hang out again. Our next date is planned for tonight. He picked two places ahead of time—neither is in our neighborhoods (he had to do his research). It’s this little bit of effort that, in my convos with others, really makes a difference nowadays.

If I’m being honest, though, my gut is sending up a few warning signs with Ryan while my emotions need to catch up to my brain with Connor. I’m used to the Ryans of the world and see glimpses of my ex in him already. It’s easy to dive in head-first when the attraction is front and center, but I know that I don’t want to do the heavy-lifting while I date anymore.

With Connor, I’d normally be quick to assume it’s not a match. Not because we didn’t have a lot in common, but because the immediate attraction was missing. It’s not a novel concept to me that you can fall for someone’s character before falling for their looks. Some of my exes started as friends. But it’s sincerely hard to always put it into practice—especially when you feel like time isn’t on your side anymore (hello, 40).

Part of writing this column is to take accountability for how I date, but to also be willing to make the kinds of decisions that can finally change the course of my previous love stories. So with that, will I be able to cut things off with Ryan if he can’t match my dating efforts? Can I give Connor the time needed for something more to develop?

Time will tell how each plays out, so I guess you’ll have to come back next week to see how things are going. I’m curious to find out myself.

If you’re new to Unhinged, catch up on all the dating chats you’ve missed here and follow along at @monicles and @sandiegomag on Instagram to know when a new article drops each week.

Sign-up now for the Unhinged newsletter launching this April. Get exclusive content, Q&As with Nicolle, and subscriber-only meet-ups!

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The post Unhinged, A Dating Series: A Tale of Two Men appeared first on San Diego Magazine.

“What I’m hearing is that you don’t like to be the one answering questions because you don’t feel like you have much to offer,” says a stranger sitting in front of me, five minutes after I meet him.

I start to sweat. This happens a lot when I get nervous, and not in a charming way. It’s the kind that lingers on your upper lip as you talk so you’re continually wiping your face. 

With no plans for Valentine’s Day, I’d decided to take part in a Feb. 14 singles event hosted by matchmaker Sophy Singer of Sophy Love. As a group, we’ve just finished an hour-long workout, but this is the first moment where my sweat feels embarrassing. 

I’m sitting in a large circle. It feels as though neon signs blink overhead, calling out my insecurities, as I scan the room of 25 other singles. We begin the second half of the mixer, starting with a meditation before discussing “authentic relating,” a concept that author Ryel Kestano laid out in his book Authentic Relating: A Guide to Rich, Meaningful, Nourishing Relationships. 

As we meditate, I question why I’m here, who I could ever meet in this environment. Is finding a partner just not for me? Is everyone else as uncomfortable as I am?

Being a little uncomfortable is kind of the point, though. Authentic relating is designed to slice through the shallow pleasantries of the typical first date. “When you practice authentic relating, you are bringing your whole self into the relationship,” Singer says. “You’re not strategizing; you’re not playing games; you’re not changing yourself to be some version that you think the other person is going to like better than the real. And being seen and heard is healing.”

Kestano defines three levels of conversation: informational (pure facts), personal (feelings about facts), and relational. 

“[The relational level] is a conversation where you are revealing your experience and what it feels like to be in this moment with the other person. It is always new,” Singer explains. “It is unscripted. This moment that we are having here has literally never happened before.”

According to Singer, level three is the game-changing key to connecting authentically with others. She asks us to share with each other what is “alive” for us in this moment. In less woo-woo terms: How are you actually feeling as you’re being asked to get to know this person?

As we follow Singer’s prompts, my conversation partner zeroes in on the fact that I tend to push attention off of myself because I don’t enjoy feeling vulnerable with strangers. (Truthfully, this column is not easy to write, at all.)

It’s a far cry from the “What do you do?” convos I usually have with acquaintances. In this setting, I couldn’t feign perfection and hide the parts of me that feel complicated or weak. But neither could he.

As we spoke, I learned that he had never participated in any type of dating meet-up or event like this and that it was overwhelming for him—so much so that during a mid-session break, he quietly slipped out and went home. Nevertheless, our mutual willingness to analyze our reactions and interactions humanized him. I found myself caring about him more than I would have had we just prattled about our favorite hobbies. 

This is what seems to be missing in dating right now. Frustrated and fed up by endless failed dates and used to the split-second decision-making of swiping on apps, we might find it difficult to muster the energy to really connect with someone new, at least until we’ve assessed whether they’re worth the effort. 

But maybe that’s the problem. What if we approached every date as a chance to engage with an interesting new person, whether or not it leads to a relationship? Every stranger has a story to tell. “We think that people connect to the glossy version of ourselves,” Singer says. “ But actually, where most connection takes place is with the messiest parts of our human experience.” 

And, if we buy into Kestano’s words, being willing to get deep right away can help foster relationships built on honesty, integrity, trust, and wholeness.

The singles event wasn’t what I had expected, and it wasn’t always easy to release my ego and follow Singer’s suggestions. But I’m glad I went. The thing is, though, I’m nervous to share this post this week, because it all feels so obvious. 

Yet, from what I’ve seen—and read in the flood of DMs I’ve received since starting this series—we’re not actually putting these ideas into practice. Could our perspective on dating change if we started seeing one-off dates as a good thing—an opportunity to learn something new about others and ourselves?

After all, I didn’t meet anyone that night, but I did use some of these methods on my first date with Connor (not his real name) this past Monday. He asked me out again (more on this later). Maybe he was attracted to my mess.

As always, thanks for following along. See you next Friday!

Follow along for all the fun and updates at @monicles and @sandiegomag.

Sign-up now for the Unhinged newsletter launching this April. Get exclusive content, Q&As with Nicolle, and subscriber-only meet-ups!

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The post Unhinged, A Dating Series: A Lesson in Ego appeared first on San Diego Magazine.

Last year, WalletHub named San Diego the ninth best city in the US for singles wanting to date. But if my dating apps and convos with other local singles are any indication of how true that is, I call BS. Sure, there are plenty of people open to dating, but finding commitment in a city full of Peter Pans is a different story.

I’ve lived in San Diego for 15 years and have dated in this town in my 20s, 30s, and now 40s. I’ve spent weeks chatting with a potential partner only to learn later that they aren’t ready for a relationship (even though their profile said otherwise). I’ve even had a guy leave my side to pick up food for a BBQ, then text me from the road that he’s breaking up with me. 

I recently read a quote from Glynnis Macnicol, author of No One Tells You This—her debut memoir on women and singleness—that rang true. “Culturally there is a lot of messaging out there that after the age of 40, if you have not acquired a partner or child, you are sort of in a no man’s land of invisibility,” she told Refinery 29.

Oof. I feel this.

Being single in your late 30s and 40s (not by choice), feels invisible—at least as a woman. You’re unseen, you’re in the way. No one really knows what to do with you in the dating world. You’re out of the PB nightlife scene and past the cut-off for young professional meet-up groups. Your married friends only have married friends. And dating apps just aren’t working anymore.

Then you have the US Census Bureau telling us that, currently, 57 percent of single adults aren’t interested in a relationship or casual dating. Great. Perfect. And according to a recent PEW research study, “A quarter of 40-year-old Americans have never been married, more than in any other time since data has been collected.” 

Have we all just given up? Or has the culture shifted so far to one side that we’re all messier, more discontent, and unsure of how to make real connections nowadays?

I’d like some answers, or at least, some guidance on how single people are supposed to navigate a world filled with swipes, ghosting, and grown-ass adults saying they aren’t ready to commit. 

My last relationship lasted three years, but there were so many ups and downs that I’m still working through some lingering whiplash. I inevitably redownloaded the dreaded apps. Hinge was my go-to. After a year, I deleted it one night in a fit of frustration. 

So, over the next few months, I’ll be ditching the apps (getting un-Hinge-d, if you will), diving back into the wild world of dating, and sharing my experiences right here for all. I’m hoping that by getting vulnerable, while digging into San Diego’s dating scene, those who also feel unseen can start to realize they’re not alone. Together, maybe we can learn how to better find love in 2024. I’m genuinely hoping to meet someone special.

I’ll be documenting my personal dating experiences while working with local matchmaker and relationship coach Sophy Singer, dissecting dates and conversations, talking with experts in the field, unearthing current research on dating and mental health, and recounting the stories of other singles in San Diego so that we can figure this out together.

Up first: Tonight’s Valentine’s Day workout and mixer with F45 and Sophy Love. A little flirting, a little sweat, and a healthy amount of awkwardness—honestly, it sounds just like my first time.

Follow along for all the fun and updates at @monicles and @sandiegomag.

Sign-up now for the Unhinged newsletter launching this April. Get exclusive content, Q&As with Nicolle, and subscriber-only meet-ups!

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The post Unhinged, A Dating Series: Seeking Answers appeared first on San Diego Magazine.

Where to find cute singles in San Diego

Courtesy of Hard Rock Hotel San Diego

Sure, everyone seems to be falling in love with their Hinge dates lately, but that doesn’t mean the good old-fashioned meet-cute is dead and gone—especially when the sun comes out and everyone’s searching for someone to put sunscreen on their back. And if Love Island has taught the world anything, it’s that nothing sparks romance like donning a swimsuit and flirting with strangers.

Looking to couple up (sans cameramen) with your own perfect match? Here are 10 hotel pools in San Diego where you might meet your soulmate this summer.

Kimpton Alma

Courtesy of The Kimpton Alma

Kimpton Alma San Diego

Who You’ll Find: Your Pet’s New Step-parent

Do you find it ridiculous or adorable when someone brings their dog everywhere? If you lean toward the awww side of the spectrum, your soulmate could be at Kimpton Alma. The dog-friendly hotel attracts people who wouldn’t dream of leaving town without their fur baby. If you want to be a step-parent to a cute pooch, spend a few minutes by the pool or rooftop bar and start a conversation with a hottie by complimenting their pet’s Prada collar or shiny coat.

Town and Country Resort pool

Courtesy of Town and Country Resort

Town and Country San Diego

Who You’ll Find: Jet-Set Single Parents 

The pool at Town & Country is filled with families spending their vacation days in sunny San Diego. But don’t worry, scattered around the deck are plenty of single parents ready to mingle and chat about life with three children under age 10. If you’re looking to Von Trapp the situation, this is where to spend your weekend days with the kids. Plus, their Twister water slide is open to adults, and what’s not to love about that?

Kona Kai Resort pool

Courtesy of Kona Kai Resort

Kona Kai Resort & Spa

Who You’ll Find: The Good-With-Their-Hands Type

Point Loma is a haven for sailors and seamen captaining sailboats around Shelter Island and in America’s Cup Harbor. So it’s no surprise the people you’ll find lounging near the Kona Kai pool are the same people holding up a dorado in their dating app photos. They tend to get a bad rep, but you wouldn’t be disappointed if your significant other brought home fresh ahi for dinner each night, right? Plus, we hear they’re good with their hands—you know, keeping track of all those jib and main lines.

Hard Rock Hotel San Diego – Sunburn pool party

Courtesy of Hard Rock Hotel San Diego

Hard Rock Hotel San Diego

Who You’ll Find: Bronzed Beauties & Washboard Abs

Sometimes you want the chaos and revelry of Vegas without the hassle of the 15 or the lost-luggage roulette you play every time you check your suitcase on a flight—which is why San Diego has the Hard Rock Hotel in the Gaslamp. The property’s pool is the place to go if you’re looking for bronzed, highly tattooed men spraying Champagne during every beat drop and women wearing high heels to show off their assets. You know the people you see on Instagram who somehow always make it behind the DJ stand at the club? That’s the energy you can expect here.

The Pendry

Courtesy of The Pool House

Pendry San Diego

Who You’ll Find: Your Secret Instagram Crush

If the Hard Rock gives Vegas, think of the Pendry San Diego as the Coachella of pool parties. The smell of spray tan fills the air as girls and guys wear as little clothing as legally possible—and snap the social media photos to prove it. Fridays and Saturdays are popping at Pendry; however, the Pool House turns it up a notch on Sundays (we see you, industry folks). All-weekend warriors and IG influencers will meet their match here. Do it for the follow.

La Valencia Hotel

Courtesy of La Valencia Hotel

La Valencia Hotel

Who You’ll Find: The “Work Hard, Play Hard” Sect

La Jollans live for La Valencia’s day pass because the pool area offers wifi, so you can work from a lounger and mingle with other people who are sipping cocktails and moving their mouse every few minutes to keep their Slack status on “active.” Grab a Torrey Tea, take your AirPods out, and don’t be afraid to spark a conversation with that good-looking single a couple of chairs over.

Hotel Del Coronado pool

Courtesy of The Hotel Del Coronado

Hotel del Coronado

Who You’ll Find: Your Sugar Dad…Person

Come July, Coronado becomes a who’s who of well-to-do Arizonians escaping the heat for the summer. If dating someone who views the Waste Management Open as their Olympics is up your alley, find a chair poolside at The Hotel Del. The clientele dresses ultra-preppy and wants you to know they have enough money to afford the hotel’s expensive beachside casitas—and, while many of them are likely married retirees, gossiping with them puts you one step closer to a blind date with their hot-shot lawyer son or doctor daughter.

Fairmont Grand Del Mar pool

Courtesy of The Fairmont Grand Del Mar

Fairmont Grand Del Mar

Who You’ll Find: Well-to-Do 40-Somethings

The Fairmont Grand Del Mar is tucked behind one of San Diego’s wealthiest neighborhoods. The poolside vibe is old money meets country club chic—the men probably spend more money golfing monthly than you do on rent, and the women sport expensive athleisure and tennis bracelets with perfectly wrinkleless foreheads. The resort guests and members of The Grand Golf Club can access the pools here, so grab a cocktail and wait for the honeys to exit the course.

The Cassara Carlsbad, pool

The Cassara Carlsbad

The Cassara Carlsbad

Who You’ll Find: Singles Who Enjoy Working Out on Vacation

It’s no fancy aquatic center, but you’ll likely find the athletic type around The Cassara Carlsbad’s quiet pool with its dedicated lanes for lap swimming. (The nearby Equinox doesn’t have a pool, so locals hit this place up to practice their backstroke.) These are the same types of people who run 5Ks with their families on holidays, so before you make eyes at the Michael Phelps look-alike across the water, make sure you’re willing to put in 3.1 miles before breakfast on Thanksgiving.

The Seabird

Courtesy of The Seabird

The Seabird Resort

Who You’ll Find: Like, Totally Chill Brahs, Dude

This quintessential SoCal spot makes for the perfect soulmate-searching destination if your type has sun-bleached hair and is typically glued to a surfboard. Slip into the hot tub at The Seabird, which overlooks Oceanside Pier, and scope out wetsuit-clad singles. Your bird’s-eye view will allow you to separate the groms from the rippers.

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The post 10 San Diego Pools to Meet Your Soulmate appeared first on San Diego Magazine.