A white tablecloth said, “Your dinner is worth a load of laundry because the California drought may be a myth, but your happiness, madame, is not.”

And now white tablecloths are silly and outdated. They make it look like everyone in the vicinity prefers air-fox trot to air-guitar. Now it’s like being a professional DJ who uses an MP3 player instead of a real, professional DJ setup (a MacBook). These days, every table at a restaurant comes in its birthday suit. Just plain wood. Not clean, new wood. But old, tattered wood from a barn where farm animals once did gross farm animal things. Farm animals whose lackluster performance might be the reason the barn is now a table.

The finer things are out. Old things that remind you that your grandparents are dead are in.

But there’s one thing white tablecloths do that no piece of wood can.

White tablecloths help servers by framing stray food. If a piece of chicken falls from your plate? The white tablecloth all but screams “Look here! This must be wiped up! A piece of unsightly food has mistakenly thought it was pretty enough to be table decor. It is harshing the warm, romantic buzz created by the tea lights and flowers! Hurry! Someone is in danger of being exposed as a fallible human!”

On a wooden table, crumbs just look like “distressed wood.” It reminds me of the old philosophical question: If lamb jus spills on a wooden table and no one is there to see it—who cares because it’s not like they’d be able to see it anyway.

I recently watched a piece of beef cheek sit between my date and I on the dinner table for hours. It had de-forked on its journey to my mouth. Service was otherwise perfect. Plates were removed. Water glasses were filled. But that beef cheek remained, its lumpiness accented by the weird, crusty thing that happens when hot food nears room temp. It was camouflaged against the dark wood, so the server didn’t see it. Through multiple courses, it glared, reminding me that motor skills decline with age.

After about an hour, I considered just eating it while my date was in the bathroom.

It’s not exact science, but using my own methodology (my eyes), I’ve determined that stray food on wooden tables is picked up by a server 68% less often than stray food on a white tablecloth.

Something needs to be done. Here are some ideas:

1. Make sure all servers are very aware of this stray food camouflage, and pay extra attention.
    
2. Put a dye on wooden tables that glows when food touches it. Just like the chemical they put in public swimming pools that turns the pool green when you pee. Only this time make it real and not just something your parents told you so that you’d hold your pee and develop chronic bladder issues later in life.
    
3. Replace the table between courses with a brand new table. Sure, environmentalists may balk. But environmentalists don’t eat out, because hemp-car technology is still in its infancy.
    
4. Serve non-brown food exclusively. Sure, you can serve meat. It just has to be green or some color other than the wooden table.
    
5. Make the entire table a plate. Steam-wash it in front of everyone with a giant, hot hose. What a show.
    
6. Give servers food vision goggles (trademark pending).
    
7. Provide diners with birthday candles and lighters, which we can light and stick into food that’s fallen onto the table. Very festive.
    
8. Bring back white tablecloths.

Restaurateurs, stray food camouflage is an affront to your livelihood. Your immediate attention to this epidemic is appreciated. Until something is done, I will help by bringing lighter fluid and setting stray food on fire to rid us both of the evidence.

In Defense of the White Tablecloth

The post In Defense of the White Tablecloth appeared first on San Diego Magazine.

As discussed in previous posts, San Diego’s proposed minimum wage hike has riled many restaurant owners. Their issue? Some of their tipped employees already make two-, three-, sometimes four-times the minimum wage. Council President Todd Gloria’s plan would force restaurant owners to pay these employees about $5,000 more annually come 2017. This debate is not about whether or not minimum wage should be raised. It is specifically about the restaurant industry and whether or not tipped wages should be accounted for in San Diego’s new minimum wage ordinance.

Restaurateurs have asked me to open up this forum to explain their side of the story. I am doing that. I also open this forum to anyone who has a relevant perspective on the issue. Politicians, living wage advocates, bartenders, dishwashers, cooks, diners, economists, whomever. People from four-star restaurants and people from one-star restaurants. Join the conversation by commenting below or emailing me at [email protected].

Starting two weeks ago, I have sent three requests for an interview with Todd Gloria.

What follows is a Q&A with Chris Gluck, owner of Wine Vault & Bistro.

Initial thoughts on the proposed minimum wage ordinance?

We take real good care of our back of the house already—they make way over minimum wage. We just sent our chef and sous chef to France for 12 days, all-expenses paid, to stage [intern] in some of our favorite restaurants.

What about the front of the house?

That’s where Todd Gloria’s plan completely falls apart. We have a tip pool system here that encourages wait staff to pitch in and help other wait staff, even though they’re not servicing customers in their “section.” That ends up being a win-win for the staff and the customer.

How much do your servers make per hour?

Our servers consistently average $28-32 per hour with pooled tips. And Todd wants to give them a raise? Seriously? He obviously is completely clueless about the restaurant business.

What’s a solution?

Exempt tipped wait staff from the minimum wage rate hike. Or maybe something like an $8 minimum for servers but with a guaranteed minimum wage after tips.

How would the new minimum wage ordinance affect your cost of doing business?

I did the math and for every one dollar of minimum wage hike to our servers equates to a $2.00-2.50 increase per guest.  Guess what’s going up? Yup, you guessed it—the cost of going out to eat.

Any other solutions?

Maybe Todd needs to open up a restaurant.

RELATED:

Part One: Minimum Wage, Maximum Death!

Part Two: The Debate, A Q&A with a Restaurateur

THE DEBATE: Minimum Wage

The post THE DEBATE: Minimum Wage appeared first on San Diego Magazine.

As discussed in previous posts, San Diego’s proposed minimum wage hike has riled many restaurant owners. Their issue? Some of their tipped employees already make two-, three-, sometimes four-times the minimum wage. Council President Todd Gloria’s plan would force restaurant owners to pay these employees about $5,000 more annually come 2017. This debate is not about whether or not minimum wage should be raised. It is specifically about the restaurant industry and whether or not tipped wages should be accounted for in San Diego’s new minimum wage ordinance.

Restaurateurs have asked me to open up this forum to explain their side of the story. I am doing that. I also open this forum to anyone who has a relevant perspective on the issue. Politicians, living wage advocates, bartenders, dishwashers, cooks, diners, economists, whomever. People from four-star restaurants and people from one-star restaurants. Join the conversation by commenting below or emailing me at [email protected].

Starting two weeks ago, I have sent three requests for an interview with Todd Gloria.

What follows is a Q&A with Chris Gluck, owner of Wine Vault & Bistro.

Initial thoughts on the proposed minimum wage ordinance?

We take real good care of our back of the house already—they make way over minimum wage. We just sent our chef and sous chef to France for 12 days, all-expenses paid, to stage [intern] in some of our favorite restaurants.

What about the front of the house?

That’s where Todd Gloria’s plan completely falls apart. We have a tip pool system here that encourages wait staff to pitch in and help other wait staff, even though they’re not servicing customers in their “section.” That ends up being a win-win for the staff and the customer.

How much do your servers make per hour?

Our servers consistently average $28-32 per hour with pooled tips. And Todd wants to give them a raise? Seriously? He obviously is completely clueless about the restaurant business.

What’s a solution?

Exempt tipped wait staff from the minimum wage rate hike. Or maybe something like an $8 minimum for servers but with a guaranteed minimum wage after tips.

How would the new minimum wage ordinance affect your cost of doing business?

I did the math and for every one dollar of minimum wage hike to our servers equates to a $2.00-2.50 increase per guest.  Guess what’s going up? Yup, you guessed it—the cost of going out to eat.

Any other solutions?

Maybe Todd needs to open up a restaurant.

RELATED:

Part One: Minimum Wage, Maximum Death!

Part Two: The Debate, A Q&A with a Restaurateur

THE DEBATE: Minimum Wage

The post THE DEBATE: Minimum Wage appeared first on San Diego Magazine.