It was shortly after the seafood tower landed on the table at Fort Oak that Caleb (not his real name) got quiet and started to tell me what I meant to him. Tossing Tabasco and mignonette sauce onto my oysters, I listened as his voice turned serious.
“I wanted to ask about your timeline, because I know that you want children, and I know it gets harder past a certain age,” Caleb began. “I know it’s still early for us, but it’s probably a good idea to talk about this stuff now.”
I had barely decided what I wanted for an entrée, and here he was asking me if I was ready to plan a family with him. He wasn’t wrong for asking, though. I just didn’t feel ready. We had only been dating for two months.
Before getting into a relationship, I shared with Caleb my desire to still have kids even though I was 40 when we met. As two older adults whose careers are exactly where we want them to be and whose finances are more secure than when we were in our 20s and 30s, we’re both on the same page as far as next steps in our dating story: Marriage and children.
But that doesn’t mean I necessarily want all of that within a year of meeting him.
According to The Knot’s 2023 Engagement and Jewelry Study, just over 70 percent of the 5,000 couples surveyed got engaged after two years or more of dating. Over half of respondents got engaged somewhere between two to five years of being together.
If we wait two years, I’ll be 42—and that doesn’t take into account the actual wedding planning and our nuptials. Then, children. The numbers aren’t in my favor.
Browsing online forums, I came across a Reddit thread asking exactly what was on my mind that evening: How long did you date before getting engaged? A plethora of answers filled the comments: seven years, eight months, two years, two months.
“Got engaged on the third date, married nine months later and still going after 38 years,” wrote redditor u/MichiganNailJockey.
Responders’ reasons for tying the knot not long after getting together varied: they’d known each other a long time before dating, they’d traveled together, the old “when you know, you know.” A few people got engaged earlier than planned because of a pregnancy. But only one person—in their 20s—cited a desire to start a family “by 29/30” as a reason for speeding up their timeline.
I still feel a little lost. Don’t get me wrong—I’m not questioning whether it’s okay to discuss future wants and needs with a new partner early on. Especially at 35 or older, I think doing so is essential to know whether you should continue dating someone and enter into a long-term relationship.
I’m overwhelmed by the pressures of having to make these decisions so early on with a new partner. This is a very real—and little discussed—issue for a lot of older adults who want a family. I wouldn’t need to know right away if my new boyfriend was my guy or not had we met even five years ago. We could take our time, spend two years together, and then decide on next steps.
I’m not against having a child before marriage, but my ideal first choice is to spend time with my husband on our own before taking care of a little life. It’s hard not to feel like the option to date at my own pace has been taken away from me. And I’m worried about making the wrong decision based on my desire to have a family.
According to therapists queried by Julia Naftulin for Business Insider, when you first start dating someone, hormonal changes can often confuse people into thinking lust is love. It’s not until the six-month mark when your body begins to return to its baseline. Typically, that’s also the point when more challenges begin to come up between partners.
“Whether it’s about money, family, habits, or communication styles, couples can only begin to notice these differences with time. In extreme cases, a whirlwind romance can blind a person to red flags and lead to a toxic dynamic,” Naftulin writes.
This is where I find myself: confused on how to move at the right pace for us while also leaving myself time to have the future I envision. What if I say yes to an engagement, marriage, kids—the whole shebang—too early and then realize that we aren’t right for each other?
As Caleb and I continued to chat over dinner about what a future together could look like, I did find myself grateful that he was willingly having these conversations with me, stating his intentions, and making sure he knows how fast or slow I’d like to take things.
We didn’t come up with a timeline, but I’m working on confirming that our values and life goals align before allowing worries about the proverbial ticking clock to pressure me into coming up with an answer.
For now, I guess, I wait. It may take two more months before I’ll know whether I want to spend my life with this man—or it may take a full year. What I do know is that he is the kind of man any woman would be lucky to marry (especially me), and, at the very least, I’m thankful for that.
What about you? As an adult in your 30s and older, have you felt the pressure to get married or have kids early on in a relationship? How long did you date your current spouse before calling it forever? Email me at [email protected] and share your stories.
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