I’ve lain awake just about every night for the last two weeks thinking about the question I posed in my last article: Can a couple last long-term with vastly different lifestyle preferences and social needs?
To be fair, I’m an overthinker with anxiety, so it’s not super uncommon for me to be staring at my ceiling at 3 a.m. Since I wrote that article, I’ve spoken with a handful of friends, including singles, people in relationships, and people who have been married for 10 or more years. I also had a session with my own therapist and jumped on a call with my former matchmaker Sophy Singer of Sophy Love.
One of those singles, Maria*, shared that part of why her long-term relationship didn’t work was because she felt exhausted by being constantly on the go with him, often in situations where people were drinking heavily.
Since she enjoyed spending time with him, she naturally said yes to all his plans and showed up for every event in the beginning. Eventually, because she’s someone who prefers a slower life and eight hours of sleep, it caught up with her, and they couldn’t come to a compromise that worked for them both.
Her ex wasn’t willing to hear her out and cut down on the partying, and she wasn’t willing to give up her sleep to spend some late nights out with him.
Caleb* isn’t like Maria’s ex, though. He’s acknowledged my need for rest on the weekends and has said that I’m a priority for him—meaning, he’s willing to do what’s best for us as a couple rather than focusing solely on his own needs. So, when I was finally honest with myself, I knew that I wasn’t asking the real question that’s been on my mind.
Will Caleb’s penchant for late nights and a packed social calendar change when we have a family and children? If not, can I ever be okay with us living two very different lives?
To his credit, since I first shared these concerns with him, Caleb’s been the one to suggest leaving social gatherings early. He’s also made it clear that if we ever have children, things will naturally slow down. I trust that he’s being truthful about his intentions—but it’s hard to plan a life with someone based on the potential for change, especially if there will be children involved.
When I sat down with my therapist, she challenged me to dig into why I wanted this part of our lives to align. “If he chooses not to stop and goes out with friends and stays out late on the weekends but never brings the party back home, is that a deal breaker?” she asked. “If he doesn’t treat you poorly and you trust him when he’s out, and it’s not causing any problems per say; he just enjoys drinking with his friends—is this a problem?”
I could feel it in my gut that it was—but I had to think for a bit before I realized why: Fundamentally, I value a healthier lifestyle. This is not to say that I don’t enjoy eating junk food, forgoing workouts for Netflix marathons, or drinking wine with friends, but I do place a lot of importance on being physically and mentally fit.
To me, that means getting enough sleep, moderating alcohol intake, spending one-on-one time with friends, and taking breaks on the weekends to reset after the work week. It’s important to me that my partner shares those values, or at least respects my need for them enough to shift their own lifestyle a bit to accommodate them.
Matchmaker Sophy Singer helped me put it into words: “You would like to know from him if he is open and willing to start slowing down to a point that feels more balanced and is indicative of him prioritizing the relationship that you guys are building,” she articulates. “You’re not saying to change overnight, but at some point, the change has to happen. Otherwise, it sounds to me like this lifestyle is not a fit for you long-term.”
It’s true—I can’t keep up with the current pace of our shared lives forever. I’ve said it many times, though: Caleb is a good man who I can see a future with. He’s also someone who values communication and isn’t one to hold overly firm to his point-of-view when presented with alternative perspectives or thoughts.
That in itself can be hard to find. I also have to be willing to see the opposing perspective myself: I assume Caleb would love for me to be open to spending more nights out with friends and at social events because it’s a way to share something he enjoys with his partner. This is not a one-sided conversation.
With that in mind, Singer urged me to consider exactly what I’d like the outcome of our talks to be. The gray area is where we can get tripped up, she suggested. What would be the next steps after a conversation like this?
For me, this would mean working together toward a common goal of balancing his socially packed life with my slower-paced needs before we have children. From the beginning, we’ve discussed our mutual dream of having a family, and it’s important to him to be present for our future kids. As we move forward, I want to hear him out on ways I can support him so he doesn’t feel like he’s losing relationships with friends or a robust social life—or himself—in pursuit of a joyful family life.
I’ve compromised my values and needs for someone I loved before, and I don’t want that for myself—or for Caleb. But most couples don’t immediately match up in every way. Instead, they have to intertwine their lives to build a shared day-to-day that satisfies both of them. As Caleb and I have conversations about what we each need, we’ll have to decide how that works for us.
Can we create a mutual vision of what a fulfilling shared lifestyle looks like? How long am I willing to wait to see that vision come to fruition? Those are questions that can only be answered with communication and time.
Are you wrestling with similar questions in your own relationship? Have you found a way to compromise with a partner whose ideal lifestyle is very different from yours? Drop me an email at [email protected] to share your story.
*Both Maria and Caleb are pseudonyms.
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