Country Fair Cinnamon Rolls
Courtesy of SD County Fair
About halfway through, I felt a bit woozy. The sun went black, or the tide of sucrose crossed my vision. I heard the song of dead relatives. Over on the side, Rick Morten from Z90, one of my favorite people, was hyping up the crowd.
Fair food is legend. The food court is Cheat Day Island, peddling in the bizarre and ridiculous. And every kiosk and every creation is the work of a mom-and-pop business owner who travels from fair to fair, living a life on the road to provide for themselves and their own.
We spent the day at the fair for this year’s “Fairtastic Food Competition,” where my fellow judges and I named the six best things to eat at this year’s fair.
But the point was to lift up the cooks and chefs and entrepreneurs who bust their butt inventing these wild treats for an audience that has left their diet and restraint at the door. To hear some of the stories of the people behind the fair, take a listen to this week’s Happy Half Hour podcast.
Meanwhile, here is my personal top 10 from the San Diego County Fair this year:
Hot Cheeto Chicken Sandwich Biggy’s San Diego County Fair
Courtesy of the San Diego County Fair
Hot Cheeto Chicken Sandwich at Biggies
The one that won our whole competition. Best of show. It looks like you dropped your Popeye’s sammy in your Pop Rocks. There are multiple reasons why this should not work, and yet it does because A) the pickles are massive and have enough acid to cut through the ridiculousness, B) brioche is butter deliciously masquerading as bread, and C) it’s a fried chicken sandwich. Specifically a double-thick fried breast that’s been dipped into melted cheddar cheese sauce, then rolled in Flamin’ Hot Cheetos. It’s hand-held hedonism and personal ruin, but it is also made with a real cook’s eye for balance.
Loaded cheese sticks
Courtesy of SD County Fair
Loaded Cheese Stick at Ricky’s Corn Dog & Cheese
Well, this is a crime. Everyone knows the cheese stick. As advertised, it’s a cheese skewer, battered and deep-fried. Only this one, they slice open and stuff with deep-fried cheese curds, jalapeno poppers, chili, and onions, then top with more shredded cheese. It is one of the best things I ate the entire day and might be how Elvis died.
Maple Bacon Bomb San Diego County Fairn San Diego County Fair
Courtesy of the San Diego County Fair
Maple Bacon Bomb at Country Fair Cinnamon Rolls
I never got behind the “bacon dessert” craze. I wouldn’t put pudding in my salad, so I don’t want meat in my treat. But this overrides my bias. Country Fair makes cinnamon rolls that seem to weigh more than your head and are soft and gooey throughout. Cream-cheese frosting, walnuts, crisp bacon crumbles, and a drizzle of maple syrup… all worth the calories.
Mermaid Float Candy Factory San Diego County Fair
Courtesy of the San Diego County Fair
Mermaid Float at Candy Factory
This is just fun to look at. It’s a bag of top-shelf candy (i.e. a six-inch rainbow unicorn horn sucker) stuffed into a soda the color of windshield-wiper fluid. Like eating a laser show. Not sure what the blue soda is. Tastes like Sprite with some Don Johnson soul in it.
Fried Oreos at Chicken Charlie’s Pineapple Express
Courtesy of the San Diego County Fair
Fried Oreos at Chicken Charlie’s Pineapple Express
The fair legend. If you plant one of these in the soil, a county fair will grow. I’d never had one before I judged this food competition. Not sure what I thought it would be like, but it’s essentially a hush puppy with a melted Oreo heart. I had no idea Oreos were made with things from this earth that could melt. Chicken Charlie also isn’t shy with the toppings, just wildly super-soakering each Oreo with caramel and chocolate sauce and powdered sugar.
Gourmet Snickers Caramel Apple Fairtime Gourmet Apples San Diego County Fair
Courtesy of the San Diego County Fair
Gourmet Snickers Caramel Apple at Fairtime Gourmet Apples
Caramel apples are brilliant because you’re having a dessert on a stick, but also eating nature’s toothbrush. Feels like a nutritional net-zero to me, and if you disagree I request your silence on this matter. Those nutrients, in this case, simply happen to be lovingly cradled by a chewy-crispy coat of caramel, chocolate, and salted peanuts. Fairtime makes their own caramel sauce and uses real, top-notch chocolate. So it’s not like you’re getting melted leftover Halloween candy on this thing.
Mexican Funnel Cake Mexican Funnel Cake San Diego County Fair
Courtesy of the San Diego County Fair
Mexican Funnel Cake at Mexican Funnel Cake
Just when America thought its inability to choose between a churro and a funnel cake was the doomsday asteroid on our happiness… these people became heroes. They make churro batter daily, deep-fry it, sprinkle it with cinnamon and sugar, then stack it in a pile. Top it with whatever you like (whipped cream, caramel, chocolate, strawberries, the ground bones of your enemies).
Chocolate-Dipped Strawberry Shortcake Sundae Crutchee’s Cream San Diego County Fair
Courtesy of the San Diego County Fair
Chocolate-Dipped Strawberry Shortcake Sundae at Crutchee’s Cream
The little black dress of desserts. A song you recognize. This is a cup of fresh strawberries, shortcake, soft-serve ice cream (ice cream’s most enlightened form, a lower-temperature confection ready to melt as soon as it gets within a couple feet of a human mouth), whipped cream, and strawberry drizzle. It’s garnished with a chocolate-covered strawberry and a chocolate-covered pretzel.
S’Mores Brownie Parfait at Mom’s Bakeshoppe
Courtesy of SD County Fair
S’Mores Brownie Parfait at Mom’s Bakeshoppe
Mom’s is one of the fair food icons, specializing in brookies—half brownie, half cookie. For this, they mock your post-yoga breakfast cup of choice. Brookies are deconstructed and layered with marshmallow cream, then topped with toasted marshmallows, graham cracker crumbs, and chocolate chips. Beat it, granola.
Ramen Burrito Chicken Charlie’s Courtesy of the San Diego County Fair
Courtesy of the San Diego County Fair
Ramen Burrito at Chicken Charlie’s
It’s possible I enjoyed this because it was a voice of reason in an irrational food land. But if you’re looking for something weird-creative but also not bats*** crazy—something kind of just like real food—this is like a California burrito where the rice has been replaced by soft, cooked ramen bits and the fries are replaced with Funyuns.
