We’re coming up on one year of my dating series, Unhinged. When I decided to launch the column, I did so with the hope of building a community where people who had been struggling to date or find love could come and feel seen.
It’s been a wild ride. For the last 10 months, I’ve dished on my weekly dates; talked with locals about their experiences; and chatted with therapists, relationship coaches, and love gurus to help me answer all my lingering dating questions. All the while, I’ve made some new friends, reconnected with old acquaintances, and, of course, met my partner.
These are some of my favorite articles, topics, and interviews of the series so far. If you missed any, now’s the time to catch up!
Seeking Answers
It all started here, with one late-night writing sesh, a few back-and-forths with my editors, and a Valentine’s Day launch. Unhinged, A Dating Series officially became a column after a year of discussions and plenty of anxiety. I remember wondering if anyone would care or relate.
Hitting publish was exciting and scary as hell. I knew I wanted this column to be a place for people looking for love to feel less alone. When we posted that first piece on Instagram, it garnered 2,367 likes, 233 comments, and 950 shares, reaching more than 98,700 Instagram users. It hit.
Our Unhinged community soon grew from there. The DMs, emails, and texts came flowing in, and it was clear that we all felt burnt out with the current landscape of dating in San Diego and needed answers.
It’s Me, Hi, I’m the Problem
It wasn’t long after that first piece that I realized before I could truly dig into the state of dating SD, I’d have to turn the mirror back around to myself. This was the moment I knew that the column would require me to be incredibly vulnerable in sharing my own stories—and willing to call myself out in a real and honest way.
This piece helped me realize that, prior to this year, I had been a part of the problem that many singles face when dating: I wasn’t fully ready to commit to someone. While swiping, grabbing drinks with potential matches, and swapping numbers at bars, I hadn’t taken the time to fully heal from my past relationship and likely let a few good men slip through my fingers.
If this resonates with you, this piece may be for you.
Ask Me Anything
At some point, my girlfriends and I noticed something about the men we were going out with: They just weren’t asking us enough questions. It made me wonder whether this was a new phenomenon in the modern age or whether their gender was just wired differently. Hint: It’s a little bit of both.
Of course, there are men out there who are actively engaging in conversations during dates—this post isn’t for them. However, “research shows that this lack-of-men-asking-questions problem is real, and it’s common, and frankly, it’s embarrassing for them!” wrote author Sophia Benoit in her column for Bustle.
Need more proof that the phenomenon is real? This piece was one of the most-read of the year.
It’s Not That Complicated
In April of this year, I met my now-boyfriend (I call him Caleb in print) through the column. This is the story of us—or, well, how we met. While finding a partner through this series was something I had considered—and even hoped for—I didn’t plan on it happening as quickly as it did. Today, we joke that he ruined the column three months after it launched.
But my initial interaction with Caleb taught me (and maybe my readers) something valuable: a thoughtful first move, a unique date, and some intentional communication is all it takes to score that coveted second date.
Finding Connection in a Disconnected World
SD local Dannika Underhill and I agree: At some point, we all became a little bit more socially awkward. Partially thanks to a global pandemic that had us shut indoors and avoiding group hangouts, today’s digital space is filled with people fatigued by years of uncertainty and isolation. And it’s affecting how we date.
Collectively, we’ve changed in the past four years since Covid-19. In 2023, a poll conducted for Newsweek showed that 42 percent of participants admitted to being less sociable than in 2019. Underhill and I discussed how these new antisocial behaviors were causing plenty of dating woes. However, the conversation was also a good reminder that our collective struggle may be part of what brings us together at the end of the day.
You’ll Find it When You Stop Looking
All my life, people have told me that I’ll find love when I stop looking for it. To me, that advice has always seemed dismissive and unhelpful. In this piece, I challenged this way of thinking and discussed how dating with purpose (ahem, “putting yourself out there”) isn’t such a bad thing.
Anyone who’s been hit with this advice and felt disheartened, this one may be for you.
I’ve Never Been in a Relationship
I feel grateful to Felicity (not her real name) for sharing her story around this important and under-discussed topic. I received a number of responses to this piece—both men and women thanking me for not seeing them as broken or undateable because they’d never been in a long-term relationship.
Admittedly, I once privately thought that a lack of dating experience at 30 or 40 was a red flag. But my research—including a chat with San Diego matchmaker Sophy Singer of Sophy Love—taught me that I was wrong. Among other benefits, people who have spent their adult lives single have had ample time to figure out who they are without the influence of a partner.
There are some great takeaways in this piece, whether you’re like Felicity or have a slew of exes in your back pocket. Check it out.
Pain, Shame, & Redemption
Oof. This one was hard to write. I knew that, at one point in this column’s life, I’d have to come clean about a toxic relationship that nearly broke me. I molded myself into a person I could no longer recognize during that relationship. I also knew that discussing this topic publicly would mean that readers would have a front-row seat to some of my most personal and vulnerable struggles.
When this was published, I felt simultaneously confident in what I had written and worried that I’d be looked at as weak. “Why didn’t you leave him?” I’ve been asked plenty of times. If only it was that easy.
It’s hard to choose being single again over being with someone who is sometimes nice to you. It took me years to fully accept that there is a world in which I could date someone who behaves as though they’re the luckiest person to be with me. I hope this article helps others like me who need to hear that a good and healthy relationship is possible—from someone who has gone through it.
If you’re new to Unhinged, catch up on all the dating chats you’ve missed here and follow along at @monicles and @sandiegomag on Instagram to know when a new article drops each week.
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