I’m not sure I remember the last time I woke up feeling refreshed. I’m told there are those whose eyes open each morning and they don’t feel tired or groggy or like they just ran a marathon hours earlier.
My insomnia began sometime after college and, over the years, has gone from being an annoying once-in-a-while occurrence to a beast I wrestle with every night. I’ve tried all the sleep hacks in the book—whatever you’re thinking, I’ve done it.
Part of what keeps me up is my anxious mind full of “what ifs”—overthinking every interaction I’ve had since I could form a sentence. With anxiety also comes the need to control all the variables around me to ensure that none of my worries come true. Fear is in the unknown.
Recently, a friend shared with me an article on New York Times best-selling author and motivational speaker Mel Robbins’ “let them theory.” Robbins argues that when you let people be themselves and stop trying to control them, you can learn how to stop giving your power to their opinions and behaviors. This, in turn, lessens the energy you expend on trying to make others do, say, act, or behave in the ways that you want them to—and thus minimizes your anxiety.
Basically, don’t stress about what you can’t control; focus on what you can. A mantra of radical acceptance. On a recent episode of motivational speaker Jay Shetty’s podcast, Robbins dug into the theory more deeply.
“The single biggest benefit [of this theory] is that you get time and energy back,” she tells Shetty. “Once you start noticing all of these little moments all day long, it’s like a death by a thousand cuts. You want to know why you’re too tired, you want to know why you’re overwhelmed, you want to know why you’re stressed out, you want to know why you have no time for yourself—it’s because of the power you give to other people’s opinions, their emotions, their immature behavior.”
It felt like Robbins was talking directly to me, calling me out. This is where I’ve struggled in romantic relationships. I’ve learned that I have an anxious attachment style that stems from my childhood. This is characterized by a strong need for close relationships alongside a fear of rejection and abandonment. When these concerns are triggered, I feel an increased need for reassurance and validation from my partner, leading me to become overly preoccupied with my partner’s feelings.
The first step is acknowledgment, right? I’m working on it.
“Every human being has a hardwired need to be in control of everything because being in control is what makes you feel safe,” Robbins says. “If you focus and try to manage things that are never going to be within your control, it only creates stress, anxiety, and frustration for you.”
As I listened, I thought of a situation I’d experienced with someone I was once dating. He’d told me he’d be going home for a week to deal with a personal family issue. But once he was gone, I found out he was actually away on a snowboarding trip with friends. He had lied.
My immediate reaction was hurt and confusion, followed by anger—I wanted to text him a paragraph (you know the one). I let it consume my thoughts for days, ultimately draining my energy and keeping me in a state of high anxiety.
If I followed Robbins’ advice back then, it could have saved me from spiraling and maybe allowed me to sleep each night. “Let them.” Let him. He was showing me who he was and who he’d be in my life if we continued dating.
@melrobbins The more you resist who someone is, the more you create friction in your relationship. That's why you need to just Let Them. The Let Them Theory will create SO much peace for you and help you recognize what is in your control and what is not. Learn more about how The Let Them Theory can transform your life at LetThem.com 💚 #melrobbins #letthem #letthemtheory ♬ original sound – Mel Robbins
“Their behavior is telling you the truth,” Robbins says. “Their behavior is telling you what they care about and what their priorities are. If their behavior is telling you that your needs are not a priority, you have to let them reveal that. Because then you’re going to come back to the second part, which is [asking yourself], ‘Is this kind of behavior from somebody what I deserve? Is this what I’m willing to accept in somebody?’”
Of course, applying the theory doesn’t end there. Next, you have to take it upon yourself to explain to your potential or current partner what you need and the reason why it is important to you.
“If you’re in a committed, loving partnership and you’re with somebody who wants to do better and cares about you, it taps into their intrinsic motivation to build new skills,” Robbins says. “If you have that kind of conversation with somebody and you explain how their behavior impacts you—whether it’s their drinking or it’s their tone of voice or it’s the fact that they leave their stuff everywhere […]—you take responsibility.”
Now, you’ve let them be who they are; minimized your anxiety, worry, and need for control; and allowed them to show you if they are willing to respond in an emotionally mature way that prioritizes the relationship you’re building. If not, you have an answer and a decision to make without having to force them to be someone they aren’t ready or willing to be.
And the theory isn’t only useful for people in established or official relationships. Applying it can also help you figure out more quickly if someone you’ve gone out with a few times has the potential to be a meaningful match.
“When you are in the stages of early relationship development, there can be a lot of misunderstandings and miscommunication,” Dr. Tara Suwinyattichaiporn, a tenured professor of sexual and relational communication at Cal State Fullerton, tells Refinery29. “People bring their past experiences, perceptions, and baggage into new relationships, making it difficult to predict their actions accurately. The ‘let them’ mindset works because it allows individuals to ease up on the control factor, navigate these uncertainties more gracefully, and focus on what is flourishing in their own life. When it’s not a compatible match, there is no need to waste time. If they treat you poorly, there is no need to try to justify their behaviors.”
Let them. People will only change when they want to. He hasn’t texted you all day after saying he would? Let him. She continues to ignore your need for quality time and rarely makes an effort to spend time with you? Let her. Then, act.
When someone shows you who they are, believe them. The more control we give up while trying to find the person we can build a life with, the less stress and anxiety we’ll have while dating. To be honest, this is not something I’ve done in my past—or something that is going to be easy for me to do in any situation in the future.
It’ll require work and self-awareness. Maybe if it’s out there in the world, maybe if I tell you, readers, then it’ll actually happen. (Accountability!) Because the quicker we are to let people reveal themselves, the quicker we can discern whether they’re right for us.
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