This past weekend, my relationship with Caleb* passed the six-month mark. We’re growing closer—and, as we do, it’s getting a bit more challenging to share our experiences in this column. Let me explain.
I promised myself and readers that I’d be open and honest when it comes to writing about my dating life. Over the past few months, I’ve found it helpful to write out the thoughts and questions I’ve had while getting to know Caleb. At some point, though, there came a shift.
I felt a need to protect what we’re building. My last personal post came out in August. Since then, I’ve wrestled with what to share next. Caleb is the kind of person who makes friends wherever he goes. A personable extrovert, he works in an industry that allows him to travel often and befriend people along the way. I’ve met so many new faces through him.
His friends read this column, and my crew reads each piece, too—so, you can see where this can start to get tricky. “I’d never ask you to stop writing the column because of me,” Caleb said once. “This is how we met.” He’d also be the first to share how proud he is of this Unhinged community that we’ve built together—you, the readers, and me.
That’s all to say that I’m a little nervous this week as I dig into a topic that we’re still working through as a couple. But conversations with friends have proven that today’s topic is one many couples have had to work through (or are currently wrestling with): How important is it for partners to share the same lifestyle and social needs?
I love getting into bed at 9 p.m. every night, and while I used to head into the Gaslamp decked out in heels and tiny dresses in my 20s and early 30s, those days are long behind me. I prefer daytime drinks now, and even then, I can only handle a few (hangovers are two-day affairs). A perfect weekend day for me involves sunshine, a workout, tons of great food, and time to socially unwind from the week.
Caleb, on the other hand, has been a roadie for touring bands for the last 15 years, working his way up from loading and unloading equipment to directing concert video. You know those massive LED screens that project the concert for the whole arena to see? He’s the one behind the scenes, deciding when each camera’s shots get mixed into the main feed. He’s used to being up late, doesn’t have a standard work schedule, and only gets to see friends when he’s home for a few days at a time. So, he likes to make the most of his time at home in San Diego.
Sometimes, that looks like late nights drinking with his friends, watching football indoors all day on Sundays, and keeping a jam-packed schedule of events on the weekends. Neither lifestyle is right or wrong. They’re just different.
We had the big conversations early on in our relationship—marriage, kids, religion, whether we both planned to stay in San Diego—and we aligned on most of these things, which is why we chose to keep seeing each other. What I didn’t expect, though, was how often our lifestyles and social needs would come into play in the day-to-day. Maybe that was naïve of me—but it’s never really been an issue in previous relationships.
Lately, my social calendar has been packed with birthday parties, trips, weddings, and weekend activities, mostly with his group of friends. It’s been fun and exciting, and his buddies have welcomed me in so kindly and graciously. But introverts need to recharge. My social battery feels more drained than ever, and I wonder how long I can keep going without the downtime I need to regroup each week.
Caleb is asking himself similar questions. As an extrovert who loves his circle, can he be with someone who may need to skip out on social events occasionally, or someone who asks to leave parties early when he’s still enjoying his time out?
We haven’t figured it out yet. But it’s there, this lingering question. As I sat down to write this week, I asked my colleague and SDM Associate Editor Amelia Rodriguez for her thoughts on the subject.
She’s been with her partner for two years. They moved in together about a year ago and are excited to get engaged sometime soon. In the past, Amelia has dated women with very different lifestyles and social needs from her own. She considers herself an extrovert, though she values sleep and taking time to reset, and she isn’t much of a drinker or partier.
“I think vastly different social needs were a big part of why several of my previous relationships didn’t work out. I hated feeling cooped up inside with more introverted partners, but when I went in the opposite direction and dated an outgoing bartender, I rarely saw them—they couldn’t do early mornings, I couldn’t do late nights,” she says. “Another more extroverted fling drank… a lot. I couldn’t match her energy, and the fact that her drinking made her forget details of our dates that I remembered left me feeling lonely and sad.”
When she first met her now-partner, they didn’t have much in common when it came to shared hobbies or interests. Amelia likes art museums, poetry readings, and ice cream shops. Her lactose-intolerant girlfriend, on the other hand, was into soccer games, breweries, and camping.
“But we shared a similar love for being out in the community, and as we introduced one another to our favorite things, it became clear that doing something together was more important than what the thing was (though she still hasn’t managed to get me to camp),” she says. “Some couples I know are really comfortable having fairly separate social lives and different lifestyles, but that wouldn’t work for me, personally. Of course, we spend time apart—alone at home or with our own friends—but the fact that, pretty much every weekend, we’re excited to plan something interesting to do together makes the occasional ‘you go; I’m too tired’ no big deal.”
This all makes sense to me, though it does still leave me with questions. For one, a good man is hard to find (at least in my own experience), so I’m worried that I’m overthinking our lifestyle differences. Caleb has so many qualities that I want in a husband. Is it a deal-breaker if his life never slows down? Would I be okay having a big portion of our lives be separate in order to make sure we both feel happy and fulfilled while together?
In the next column, I’ll be chatting with others and enlisting the help of relationship coaches, therapists, and experts in dating to find out what they can share about this topic. And I want to hear from readers. Do you and your longtime partner have different social needs? If you’ve dealt with these same questions, drop me an email at [email protected] and let me know how it’s played out in your life.
*Caleb is a pseudonym.
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