I’ve resisted the urge to crawl under my covers and hide from the world since Caleb* and I broke up last month. I want to be invisible. I want to be six months into the future—anywhere but here.
But the days don’t stop, and time doesn’t wait for you to move on before it jumps back in with deadlines, weekly meetings, social commitments, and the somewhat frustrating need to consume food.
Caleb and I spent 10 months together, a time frame that is so short in many ways and so long in others. When you date later in life, there’s a greater sense of who you are, what your needs are, and who you’re willing to let in. You talk about the big things (marriage, children, a house, bucket-list trips) a lot quicker and begin to picture a future. It doesn’t feel good to go through a breakup at any age, but it’s especially hard in your 40s when you already feel like you’re late to the party.
I heard a quote the other day that stuck with me: “People can only meet you as deeply as they’ve met themselves.”
As I’ve written about previously, Caleb helped heal parts of me that only a significant other could restore in another person. Before him, I had done all I could to become whole again after my last relationship—but you can only work on so much while single. There’s so much left to learn once you re-enter a romantic pairing. It helps you figure out how to love someone with their own wants and needs while holding firm to your own values and boundaries.
Caleb was always affectionate, never made me work for his words of affirmation, and ensured date nights were a part of our weekly routine. We often shared belly laughs over inside jokes, and he brought out a more playful side of me, one that’s reserved for only the longest-held friendships.
I hadn’t felt that type of love in a long time. It was refreshing. But as we moved into a deeper relationship, old traumas and newfound incompatibilities began to rear their heads, a reminder that there was work yet to do. As that quote suggests, both people have to be willing and ready to do it.
I think Caleb loved me as much as he could, but there are parts of him that haven’t healed from past experiences. And we found that we led different lifestyles. Ultimately, I was never quite sure that a long-term relationship was what he was seeking (it’s something we discussed many times). We could have been the most compatible couple in the world, but I think there’s still only so far he could have ever met me.
Of course, I played a part in it all, too, and the relationship helped me see where I’m still falling short. That’s what I’m trying to do to move forward—to determine how I can grow from my time with him and to share it with you in the hopes of helping you better understand your own dating struggles.
Recently, in celebration of the column’s one-year anniversary today, I went back and read through most of my past articles in this series.
I enjoyed seeing it evolve and reliving my story with Caleb. After some reflection, one of the biggest lessons I’m taking away is that it’s okay to fully lean into someone new, no matter the outcome. It’s scary to open yourself up to a potential relationship—especially considering that heartbreak may be one of humanity’s most painful emotions.
It can be easy to want to run in the opposite direction when you start to feel the butterflies and rapid heartbeat and constant excitement that comes when falling for someone. Personally, I almost broke up with Caleb a couple of times in the beginning because I was scared of getting hurt.
The thing is, though, having the opportunity to love a romantic partner is a beautiful thing that shouldn’t be taken for granted. Many long for that kind of connection and never find it. I’m so lucky that I got to love Caleb, even for a moment. I’m learning to balance that gratitude with patience for myself as I struggle to move on in a time frame that fits everyone else’s timelines. Breakups are hard, and I want to acknowledge and respect that for myself.
There are other lessons, too: I’m realizing that if someone can’t show up for their own emotions, they won’t know how to handle yours—meaning, if your partner ignores what they’re feeling or chooses to suppress uncomfortable emotions, it’s going to be much harder for them to understand how to respond when you express yours.
If you’re like me and feel things in big ways—you love and hurt deeply—it’s good to get a sense of your significant other’s capacity to get to the root of their own emotions and work through them in a healthy way. Take note of how comfortable they are with being vulnerable and how they react to their own happiness, anger, shame, hurt, fears.
A big part of emotional intelligence is knowing that our feelings and reactions often come from a deeper place—a seemingly small conflict can escalate when it touches on old wounds and traumas, and a key to de-escalating it is being able to identify when and why that’s happening. When both of you have that skill, difficult conversations can hopefully go from feeling like battlefields to wide-open orchards where you’ll be able to grow together.
In the same vein, all this reflection has reminded me to look at the patterns that continue to pop-up in my own life and to accept the reality that in arguments, I’m sometimes wrong. At times, my emotions got the best of me, and I handled some situations in a way that pushed Caleb away. Grace can go a long way on both sides of a relationship.
This doesn’t mean you should ignore your gut, though, when you start to feel uneasy about a situation. I haven’t always trusted mine in the past, and I wanted this time to be different. It wasn’t.
I hate admitting that, but I was scared of being single again, so I quieted the physical symptoms that’d arise when I felt things were off. Thankfully, however, there were moments when I began to set boundaries a lot sooner than I had in the past. I had tough conversations that the me of a year ago wouldn’t ever have initiated. And I stood firm on my values and asked for my needs to be met. I’m proud of that.
Most of all, Caleb pushed me to see that I sometimes still struggle with an anxious attachment style. I’m learning to sit longer with my thoughts and ask myself, “Are these feelings coming out of a fear of abandonment? Or are they stemming from a real issue that needs to be discussed?”
That’s the beauty of relationships, though, right? We get to look at the mirror our partners hold up for us and decide whether we’re willing to become the best versions of ourselves—not only for them, but for ourselves. I once heard someone say, “People don’t run away from great people. They run away from the parts of themselves that they would have to fix to be with a great person.” I’ve thought about this a lot.
I crave that level of self-awareness. I want to be the best girlfriend, wife, friend, coworker, and family member that I can be so that, at the end of the day, I can sleep knowing I did my best. But it’s painful to be confronted with our own flaws, especially if it means having to change parts of ourselves that have been our safety blanket over the years.
Maybe that’s where things went wrong for us. We both had to want to grow together and choose each other daily. At the end of the day, this wasn’t our love story, but I don’t regret any of it. I’m better for it, even if my heart is taking its time catching up to my mind.
So here it is, another false start. A letting go. When I started this column, I hadn’t planned on an end date, but long before Caleb and I broke up, I had decided I’d close things out at the one-year mark.
This doesn’t mean that this space won’t exist anymore. We still plan to continue engaging with the dating community—it just won’t center my voice as the main author. Stay tuned for the next season of the column, it’s going to be good. For now, come say hi and hang with me at The Chemistry Club x Unhinged singles event on February 28 for some drinks, cute locals, and good chats. And, hey, you may even meet your soulmate in the process.
*Caleb is a pseudonym
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