I recently started taking beginner dance classes. Sure, I can shake it convincingly with friends at the club or a wedding reception after a few Champagnes, but choreo? My brain breaks and I forget how to count to four, Bambi-legged on wobbling character shoes.
It’s cringe, I know it, I feel it. But damn, it is so much fun. I’m feeling my brain work in new ways, and I’m always anticipating the next lesson.
I suddenly find myself tip-tapping on Wednesday evenings in Bay Park because, until last year, I was with the person I thought I would spend the rest of my life with. We had a whole future planned and a routine that we had deeply settled into. Dance lessons were something for a younger me, a hypothetical me that no longer existed in the context of the relationship.
When we broke up, it forced me to confront what I truly want out of my life and how to take loving care of myself in the interim. Despite this last season of darkness and heartbreak, I find myself humbled, daunted, curious, bewildered, and still believing in the transformative power of love, however that will manifest next.
This next journey is all about the joy of discovery. I’m excited to meet new people who challenge my worldview, make me laugh, teach me new things, and share the path for as little—or as long—as we decide to share it. And unlike Nicolle’s journey going app-less, I’ll be jumping onto them for the first time in my life. Pray for me.
Mostly, I’m thrilled to start a new relationship with myself, one where I challenge my old notions of what I am or get to be, and to be brave enough to pursue life’s big payoff.
This new beginning has challenged absolutely every aspect of my life: my relationships with my family and friends, my mental and physical health, my daily habits. It feels like being turned into clay and having to resculpt my entire self-image from scratch to hopefully restore some semblance of who that person was before—and, maybe, to make me more whole, more structurally sound. But that doesn’t happen quickly. Every day can feel impossible just to get up, get dressed, and continue to believe that I am lovable, worthy, enough.
Learning to dance, and sucking at it, has taught me that it’s okay to start again from zero (and also that I am a lot more capable than I give myself credit for). I’ve learned to be selfish for myself in a healthy way.
The process is ongoing, but, little by little, I have seen improvements. I’m having more good days than bad ones. I’m enjoying my time to myself, and I’ve discovered a few more strategies along the way that are helping me get back to a place of optimism. If you are going through a breakup or just a hard moment in your life, maybe these will resonate for you.
Add Sparkle to Your Daily Grind
Life is a series of mundane tasks that you must tackle day in and day out, again and again, until you die. Of course, within those are good, amazing, romantic, and spontaneous days that make you happy to feel alive. But, now, during those moments where you used to vent to your partner, you have to be there for you. I’ve decided to add a little sparkle back to the small everyday routines to cherish myself and help me feel grounded within the day.
A bit of effort and creativity go a long way toward helping you feel like life is enjoyable again. Wake up and put on a silk robe. Feel like a sexy French coquette as you swan around your apartment looking fabulous for no one. Ritualize your morning. Look forward to that perfumed cup of fancy tea that blooms slowly in your favorite mug. Light candles for yourself that smell like Japanese cedar and self-respect, even if all you have planned is to fold laundry and reheat leftovers. I luxuriate in these tiny moments. It makes me feel like my time is treasured and like my days are full of a perfectly curated romance just for me.
Prioritize Friendships
A shocking but positive development for me during my breakup has been my relationships with my friends. I’m an introvert, and I always felt like I couldn’t ask for the things I needed from my friends. As a result, I put way too many of my emotional needs on my former partner. Right now, however, I need help from my village, and I have been blown away by the way people in my life have shown up for me, but only because I have asked for it.
I’ve been radically vulnerable, and it’s brought me closer to people in my life, turning those who were once good friends into chosen family. With them, I have processed, ranted, cried, and cried laughing. They have reminded me of my value to them and have helped me to believe it more for myself. With that, I’ve also been mindful that my time is valuable, and I’ve been intentional about deprioritizing anyone who disrespects it. Life’s too short to waste on people who waste your time.
Move Your Body
Wow, endorphins are magical drugs. The classic idiom is, “You are one walk away from a good mood.” Me, I’m one run away from ending my shame spiral. It’s become a non-negotiable moment for myself that I now look forward to. But when you’re in a low place, the last thing anyone wants to do is leave the comfort and safety of your couch and heated throw blanket.
Start small, and don’t put more pressure on yourself than you need to. Just putting your shoes on can help trigger your brain into a state of anticipation. Let the momentum guide you, and anything is better than nothing. I like to incentivize movement by getting to listen to a favorite podcast, checking out a new artist, or indulging in embarrassingly sugary pop hits that pump me up. And like clockwork, I’m happier after having done it. The exciting thing is, that feeling builds, and becomes a staple in your happiness checklist.
Keep a Journal
I was never a journaler, but now I am converted. I find that when I’m stuck in my head, running the same narrative over and over, just writing it down helps ease its urgency, since I no longer have to keep it inside of me. I’m trying to get better at manifesting positivity here, too. Just jotting down a nice little moment that happened can offer evidence that goodness continues to exist in the world.
Do Things That Are Just Yours
I have so many interests that got pushed to the wayside during my relationship: fashion, indie movies, crafting, and now, apparently, dancing. Spending time actually doing these things again, especially in new ways or through groups of new people, feels like waking back up to what I love most about myself.
It’s like meeting an old friend that even after years apart—the conversation just flows. Each “try” feels like it leads to a new opportunity, even if it’s simply to ask myself, “Do I like this?” and puzzling out the answer. And I love the feeling of spending an evening recharging my creativity instead of wasting that time in front of the TV, numbing the hurt.
I hope some of these strategies are helpful to you; they’ve been everything to me. I’d love to hear from you any tips that have helped you find yourself again after a breakup. Let this column be a conversation between us as we pursue love in all its many forms, especially the love we show to ourselves.
If you’re new to Unhinged, catch up on all the dating chats you’ve missed here with columnist Nicolle Monico. And follow along at @monicles and @sandiegomag on Instagram to know when a new article drops each week from new writer Natalie Cooper.
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