San Diego local Rachel* was beginning to feel like a lesbian car salesman—girls only called her for a test drive. “My friend Jo* would reach out and flirt whenever she felt ready to sleep with a woman, but when things got more real, she would ghost me,” she recalls. “It was hard to feel like people could use me, physically or emotionally, and then just say, ‘Oh, never mind; that’s not for me.’ For them, it’s like checking a box. For me, it’s like a stab wound.”
Of course, we all start somewhere. In a society where heterosexuality is presumed and expected, it can be hard for us to admit to ourselves, much less others, that we have the hots for someone of the same gender. And with so few scripts for healthy queer relationships, some of the difficulty of gay dating is figuring out what an ideal partnership looks like for you. Exploring your sexuality is part of that process, but it can be difficult to know how to dip your toe in.
There are few guides to starting the process of exploring. Google terms related to the topic—“dating women for the first time” or “how to figure out if I’m a lesbian”—bring up Reddit threads and decade-old articles (thank God we’ve mostly left the term “bicurious” in 2014).
For Rachel, it comes down to communication. “Be upfront,” she adds. “Say, ‘I’m not sure what this is going to mean to me or how I’m going to feel about it. Is that okay with you?’ I wouldn’t be as hurt afterwards, because I would be given the chance to ask myself, ‘Is this okay for me?’ Don’t make all the decisions for both of us.”
Many dating apps allow you to list your sexual orientation on your profile, and often there are options like “Questioning” on popular apps like Bumble, Tinder, and Hinge and dedicated LGBTQ apps like Her. The app Feeld—once a non-monogamy-focused site that, according to The New York Times, has expanded without losing its polestar of communication and exploration—has more than 20 choices for orientation and a space to declare exactly what you’re seeking (which could be as simple as “texting”). Utilizing those labels can create a more natural opening for conversations about your experience and level of comfort.
And, as with any potential partner, it’s worth having the “What are you looking for?” conversation early on—even before the first meet-up. Maybe you’re seeking an experimental hookup, or perhaps you want a relationship but are trying to learn if you could build one with someone who shares your gender identity. Maybe you’re certain you like girls, but you haven’t dated one before and you’re nervous. Being honest about that right away will help you and your date decide if your needs and desires align.
Once you schedule a meet-up, “treat it like any other date,” my friend Alison*, who identifies as bisexual, advises. “Don’t overthink it.” If you’ve dated men in the past, you probably went into each date wondering, “Do I like this particular guy?” Approach your dates with women the same way, and spend some time ahead of the meet-up thinking about what you want in a partner of any gender, from shared values to a shared love of birdwatching. (After all, even the most seasoned lesbian isn’t attracted to every single girl.)
But remember—it’s still a date. “Women come into dates like, ‘Hey, girl!’” Rachel points out. “They’re probably nervous, but I do want to feel like we’re more than friends hanging out.” Once you’ve communicated where you’re at, take the space to flirt, have fun, and figure out how that makes you feel.
And as things wrap up, “don’t be weird about the bill,” Alison says. Suggest going Dutch, or arrive prepared to pay—but don’t be afraid to accept if your date offers to pick up the check.
If things progress to the next level physically, frontloading all that communication will create space for you to set boundaries and ask for guidance. “It’s exciting to be the person who gets to show someone what that’s like,” Rachel says.
Throughout it all, it’s important to check in with yourself and continue being straightforward (no pun intended) with anyone you’re seeing. “You might have sex with a woman and not like it,” Rachel points out, or simply be lacking chemistry with that particular person (just like with heterosexual dating).
That wasn’t quite the case with my friend Romi*. A threesome with a heterosexual couple—one that was focused on the woman in the pair—“confirmed that I am definitely attracted to women,” she says. “But there is an aspect to the physical experience that, while fun and comfortable, was not satisfying or something I craved.”
A while later, a hangout with a friend of a friend led to a hookup. “It was beautiful, and she did ask me to hang out again,” Romi recalls. “I remember telling her I’d like to be just friends. I’m not 100 percent sure why—it just felt how all my other one-night stands with men felt: fun and of the moment. I remember meeting my now-husband around the same time and just feeling like we fit.”
But for North County local Natalie*, who identifies as a lesbian, kissing a woman for the first time “was like, ‘Yes—this is what it’s supposed to feel like.’”
Natalie dated men throughout high school and college but “had that nagging ‘oh, ****’ feeling since probably seventh grade,” she says. “I definitely had crushes.” After moving to a new city just over a decade ago, she set her orientation to “bisexual” on dating apps and started going out with girls.
“I definitely had a couple awkward, uncomfortable experiences at first,” she remembers. “I wanted a more romantic experience”—which she found on her first date with her now-wife.
“It was very clear that she was interested in me,” she says. “I felt instantly at ease and very seen, but also terrified. There was that romantic charge of, ‘Oh my God, I want to know everything about this person.’ In my experience dating men, it always felt like this friendship I was very happy about, but the physical intimacy never felt very satisfying. [With my now-wife,] there was the anticipation of the satisfaction I was hoping to get. That desire was so huge in my psyche.”
Regardless of the outcome of your first dates with women, consider each one an opportunity to learn about yourself and what you’re seeking. “Go into it open-minded,” Alison adds. “And be excited for yourself.” After all, love could be waiting for you—or simply a deeper understanding of who you are. Both are worth taking the leap for.
*Not their real names.
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