Growing up going to an all-girls high school, Felicity (not her real name) felt like she missed out on learning how to flirt—or even communicate—with boys.
Today, she’s in her 30s and, though she has had sexual experiences, she has never had a boyfriend, a fact that she’s shy about sharing. Her lack of chances to experiment with dating as a teen isn’t the only reason for her single status, she tells me, but she can’t help but think it’s continued to play a role.
Felicity wants to be in a relationship and, eventually, get married and start a family. It weighs heavily on her mind that, each year, she’s drawing closer to an age when conceiving children is more difficult. She’s not alone, either.
Last year, data from the US Census Bureau showed that nearly 47 percent of the US population (or just over 117 million people) is currently single. And, according to a 2020 study by the Pew Research Center, 35 percent of the country’s unmarried adults have never been in a committed romantic relationship.
On TikTok, women come together under the hashtag #neverhadaboyfriend, sharing their stories of single life in their late 20s, 30s, and 40s.
“There is this feeling of being undesirable and unworthy for a relationship, especially if you don’t have a relationship in your formative years like high school and even college,” says 26-year-old creator @nicole.farina. “It is this feeling that you can’t really shake.”
She goes on to say that she has trouble being vulnerable with men because, in the past, when she’s opened up about her feelings, they haven’t been reciprocated—making her feel like something is wrong with her. At time of publication, her video has garnered nearly 4,000 comments and more than 415,000 likes and has been shared 73,000 times.
It hit a nerve, and Felicity can relate.
“There was a guy who was interested in my [college] roommate and I was interested in him, and I knew my roommate was not interested in him. We developed a friendship and I wished it could be something more,” Felicity says. “I got drunk one night and told him.” He let her know he didn’t feel the same.
For anyone who has ever dated, rejection is a normal part of the game. It’s never easy, but hearing “You’re a great person, but I think we’re better as friends” or “You’ll find someone amazing; it’s just not me” time and time again can do a real number on you mentally.
“The one thing that comes up across the board is the insecurity around it. They’re uncomfortable sharing it. The underlying thing that comes through is shame around that,” says San Diego matchmaker Sophy Singer of Sophy Love, who has worked with many clients who have never been in a committed relationship. “They feel broken, like, What’s wrong with me? Why haven’t I been able to do this?”
And society doesn’t make it any easier on them.
Writing for Psychology Today, Bella DePaulo, PhD, explores the stigma faced by “relationship virgins,” people who have never had a romantic relationship. Her research found that people tend to view them as lonelier than others, less happy, and less well-adjusted.
Admittedly, when I’ve gone out with people in the past, hearing that I’d be a guy’s first-ever girlfriend has made me question whether he was ready to date or not. Without realizing it, I’ve probably fed into the lie that more experience equals a better partner.
But when I stop to think about Felicity, I’m immediately aware of my error. She’s quick-witted, attractive, smart, and fun to be around. I get the sense that, while inexperienced, she’d make for a pretty great partner. She just hasn’t had a chance to showcase those qualities—and maybe that’s okay.
“The positive [of being a ‘relationship virgin’] is that you probably haven’t been wounded over [past relationships],” Singer says. “I think when people get to this point, they have generally kept themselves social and happy and fulfilled in other ways. What’s so cool is that now this is their next chapter of growth. It’s almost like coming to a blank canvas.”
“Baggage” is a term that’s come up a lot in my chats with San Diego singles over the last six months. It’s no secret that the older we are, the more likely we are to have learned bad dating habits or gone through traumatic experiences with ex-partners. And our past affects how we date.
In that sense, coming into a relationship without experience can be a boon. Moreover, people who have remained single into adulthood have had ample time to figure out who they are without the influence of a partner.
“I could make decisions for my future—like going across the country for grad school [and] traveling—without feeling held back,” Felicity says of being single throughout her 20s. “Relationship virgins” often have rich social lives, fun hobbies, a healthy sense of independence—all qualities many of us look for in a partner.
And as Dr. DePaulo points out in her article, the word “[relationship] encompasses friendships, family ties, bonds with neighbors and mentors, camaraderie with teammates, and more, in addition to romantic links. If you have had any of those kinds of relationships, you are not a ‘relationship virgin.’”
Whether a person has had multiple serious partnerships or zero, observing their connections with their friends, family, even coworkers will typically teach you more about how they interact with other humans than stories about their exes ever will.
For her part, Felicity remains hopeful. As we wrap up our chat, she shares the qualities she’s looking for in a man.
“Someone that I can laugh with, someone who is a little bit more extroverted. Someone who is educated, and cultured” she says. “I like sports, too. So someone who is going to just watch football on Sundays with me.”
Men, if you’re not reading “catch” from that last line, we need to talk.
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