Some of our best friends are craft artisans. We’re also sympathetic to the plight of urban gastro-Americans. However, here are 12 current buzzwords taken from the names of San Diego restaurants and why we propose to outlaw them until further notice (which is until we ourselves may profit from their usage):
PUBLIC: Phew. Thought it was one of those private bars. We never have the right jackets or parents to get into those.
PUB: Sell a billion albums, convert to Kabbalah, and marry an Anglo film director. Then you can fake being British, Narnian, whatever.
CRAFT: This word and “friends” need to hang out and talk about the glory days when they still had meaning.
ARTISAN: Da Vinci didn’t title it “The Artisan Mona Lisa.”
PROVISIONS: Hardtack is a provision. So are army blankets. Duck fat fries are a provision in our Ferrari, but not anywhere else.
UNION: With the Abe Lincoln face-hair trend, we understand your confusion. But the Civil War is over. The guys who weren’t a-holes won.
AMERICAN: Only if you chew food for baby bald eagles. Otherwise, you’re just superficially co-opting patriotism to sell beer. Which, actually, is incredibly American. Carry on.
KITCHEN: This is one of those restaurants with a kitchen?! Floors, too?
URBAN: Those copper mugs weren’t spittoons? We’d better go.
TAVERN: Feel free. But you must wear billowy pantaloons, serve mead, and be known among maidens as the Eddie Van Halen of the lute.
HOUSE: So you sleep, shower, and have relations here? Thanks, but we just remembered we have lute practice.
GASTRO: We get it. It’s a snappy prefix you can attach to any word or phrase! Like ‘-intestinal issues.’